the unraveling

It's a dreary day here today but I have my window blinds up and light blocking curtains open, which is unusual for me.  And I have music playing (my ipod on shuffle, always an adventure) and I'm determined not to fall back asleep. I want to write, so here I am. I don't have anything in particular in mind to write, I've just had so much on my mind I've wanted to write, and I finally looked here yesterday and was shocked to see that the last date I posted was in January.

So many things have seemed to come to a head. Not that things ever go along in straight line progressions, lining up neatly along graphs, building along, to come to some perfect conclusion, or resolution. No. But some things seem to be stretched until the breaking point. Or explosions. Or build into toppling block towers.
I don't know.
But there seems to be a a misconception out there of the "right" way to be sick. There is some unspoken, mystified, noble way to get sick, remain sick, and then, if you're going to be "really sick" eventually heroically either overcome your sickness or stoically die from it. I think I am breaking an invisible code by speaking of this, but I feel it. I feel it in the memes I see floating around the internet and in little things I hear and from things that I hear from other people in support groups, that they hear from people. That the "right" way to be sick, is to not complain about our ailments. And if we're in pain, certainly no one should ever know it. It is far better to suffer through things for everyone else's sake and hide our pain.
That's what everyone will want to hear about at the funeral, right? How they put everyone else first. How they never complained about the pain. You never even knew. That's the noblest way to die. The best way to be sick. That's doing "right."
But that's not how it happens for everyone, is it. That's like the storybook version.
You won't hear the storybook version from me. And I'm not even dying, so you don't get the heroic ending here.
There won't be people standing up at my funeral saying how I never complained. hahahah!!!

No, here things fall apart. Here you will find the wells of patience running dry. You will find the 8 year old crying that she didn't get as many years of me healthy as the older kids did and how that isn't fair. You will find me locking my bedroom door and telling the kids they can't come in - because they are just too loud and every sound hurts. You will find Zac losing his patience with the kids because he worked all day long and came home to make dinner and then deal with the messy house and kids who need attention, and then trying to gather the kids for scripture study and family prayer, and then getting them all to bed all by himself, while I am locked in my bedroom the entire time curled in a ball, and he hasn't even had a chance to say hello to me yet. Then after the kids are in bed and the house is finally quiet, and I come out to say hello to him because I finally can, I find him asleep on the couch because he's exhausted, And we find days go by without being able to hardly talk because these are our days now and we are both becoming completely depleted.

Here you will find me driving myself to the emergency room because Zac is in the middle of cooking Easter dinner for the kids and he just can't face it because it's too hard. Here you find us facing things we've never faced. Together and alone. Voicing things we'd never thought we'd say. Like, I couldn't come be with you. And, I don't know if I can do this. And, I'm so sorry this is our life.

Things aren't always bad. Don't get me wrong. But like I said, something just reached a point and things just started unraveling. And my neurologist gave up on me. That's a long story in itself. I've found myself grasping at the unraveling strings, trying to hold everything (and myself) together. Sometimes I wonder what will be left.
It's a funny thing sometimes, watching yourself and your spouse as you go through something unexpected like this. Neither of you can anticipate how you will react. You never can. You think maybe you can, you think you can prepare spiritually, emotionally, whatever, for hard times that might come your way, and you think you know someone, and you think you can advise someone else on how they should be acting or what they should be doing in a situation, but unless you are in it, and unless you are them, you cannot know what you would do.  You just can't. And you just won't know what you do, and how you would act, until you are in it. Like in a plane crash, some people freak out, some people are calm in crisis. Some people naturally help others, some the survival instinct kicks in so strong they only think of themselves. They say many people can't even remember how to unlatch the seat buckle because it's different than a car seat buckle. That's how much muscle memory and panic sets in. So don't think you'll know what you'll do. You don't.

And sometimes, it's hard seeing yourself and someone you love as you go both go through this together.
You're both getting a crash course in survival. And you don't know what to do. And then things change, and you start over again.

On a final note: in our house you will also find 4 kids growing fast and becoming their own fascinating individuals and trying to learn to get along. A husband who is giving all he can to his wife and family, who worries about providing financially for all of their needs, and does his very best to keep on top of everything that his wife can't do. A wife who receives loving and thoughtful surprise packages from a group of high school friends who are unbelievably kind. And a beautiful world all around us to notice and take photos of. Life is good.

As I saw in a quote today: "The world is larger and more beautiful than my little struggle." - Ravi Zacharias

It is.

Happy New Year: Facebook Frustration and Back to Blogging

Happy New Year my dear friends!
Now is a convenient time I suppose to come to this decision (just coincidentally), I'm coming back to my blog!
I had resorted to facebook for most easy updates and things. And then instagram too. But then I realized just the other day that not only does facebook use its obnoxious algorithms to decide what you see on your newsfeed but apparently it also does so on your very own timeline so things mysteriously disappear.  So I had a post where I listed in tedious detail all the restrictions in my current diet I'm doing for the migraine diet and food sensitivities from a blood test I had done (that some of you may not yet know about) and then someone else had later asked what all my restrictions were so I was looking for that post so I could copy and post the loooong list and lo and behold, I could not find the post anywhere! So frustrating. So now I wish I had it in my blog so I could find it again. Ugh. I thought things in my facebook were a relatively permanent record (and apparently they are... I guess? somewhere on the facebook servers? or something.... but that doesn't do me much good if I'm looking for something that I posted and I just can't find it again.)  So I can't rely on it as a mini blog after all.  (Haha, are some of you surprised to find out I was using facebook in this way? Oh don't be. You should know me better that that.) ;)

So, now we come to New Year's resolutions of sorts. What this comes down to is that I will be trying to blog more often. Obviously I can only rely on my trusty blogger (blogger don't let me down!). Perhaps this will mean there will be some overlap and downright copying from facebook into blogger from time to time as I try to make sure I have things recorded where I want them. But that's just the nature of the beast, I suppose. And by that I guess I mean, my nature. The nature of someone who needs things recorded. Especially with my chronic pain and all that crap, I feel the need to have things recorded and I feel that having is it somewhere public might be helpful to someone else going through something similar. I know I rely heavily on the support of knowing I am not alone.

And I will try more to get my Instagram photos on here too because I know I have friends who don't have smartphones and can't view them. But I don't like to clutter up my facebook feed with macro shots of weeds either. So! This is where it's at!! Once again, I will be dumping all my life here on my blog folks! Hopefully.:) Stay tuned. I will be trying my best!
(ps - comments are the best motivator! please leave comments! keep me blogging - keep the blog alive!)

how does your garden grow

The other night I was kneeling in the dirt of our little garden looking at what has come of the seeds we have planted, what has grown and done well, and what has not, pulling out all kinds of very prickly noxious weeds, and weeds that had worked their twisty ways around the stems of my dear little plants. I knelt there weeding and weeding and weeding and and I got to thinking, as I am wont to do. Oh, thinking. My brain. It's a doozy. And I thought about life and summer and the trip I just went on and my kids and the things we've been doing and all of what we've been up to.  (I know it's hopeless to even tell you about the posts I still have in my drafts that I really am still going to finish and post. I really am.) But anyway.  Gardening. Weeding.  Thinking.  And I thought I'd check in here and give you a little update and let you know how things are going, or growing, as the case may be, beginning with our experimental garden plot, and maybe expand on this as little metaphor because metaphors are always fun.  And here I am.

1. So we've lived in our house 11 years and through these years we have had a little plot in which we have sometimes  on and off experimentally gardened.  Nothing has been very successful and it has mostly been discouraging and has mostly grown an amazing amount of weeds.  This year we are trying again. We bought some manure and peat moss and turned the soil and even designed and installed a watering system (which we determined to be our main failure in the past. Turns out things don't grow so well without water. Hm.)  We bought seeds.  We started some seeds from little seed starter peat pots indoors.  And eventually (later in the year) we bought a few tomato plants and a red pepper plant. The younger kids also brought home some carrot seedlings they had started in yogurt cups at school.  So, at this point, our watering system has failed - our sprinkler system turned out to have main water valve leaks that Zac has tried to fix at least 3 times and it is still leaking and so the branch leading the garden and back yard are still not functioning.  And yeah, it's over 100 degrees and our backyard is not being watered.  If you're not from Utah or the West you may not understand the significance of this. Oh well. We are watering the garden from the hose but we are more committed to keeping things alive and I think it is working.  We have some tomatoes starting to grow. Some lettuce. Some peas look good. One carrot from the kids school seeds. Of my little herb garden that I started from seeds, only basil looks like it will grow into something that can be harvested.  I am disappointed not to have any dill or chives but not much can be done. Of the seedlings we started indoors, marigolds were the only ones to make it after we transplanted outdoors.  We have some green bean plants growing (haven't seen any fruit yet) and some zucchini or yellow squash (not sure which).  The pepper plant died and we don't know why.  We are learning through trial and error.  Probably mostly though error. We don't really know what we're doing. Just hoping to enjoy some of our harvest.

(all below photos taken in Humboldt, CA)

2. My trip: I went to CA for my oldest sister's wedding.  I drove 2 days there with my mom and her new husband and my niece/sister and her husband and we stayed there 3 days in a rental house with the 5 of us plus my brother, his wife and their 2 yr old and my youngest sister, then drove 2 days home again.  We spent time with my sister, her son, her fiance, and his 2 daughters, plus the best man, another friend, my sister's fiance's parents. Did I forget anyone?  There were a lot of people, which meant they were surrounded by a lot of love and support which is wonderful, but for an introvert like me who needs a little time alone to recharge, and a person like me with chronic pain who needs daily naps to kind of function in a normal fashion, all the busy running around kind of drained me in a significant way.  I mention this to try to explain to myself why this trip felt so difficult to me in some ways.  Family.  We grow up together.  Are we like a garden? We are seeds somehow sown together, we think we are getting the same experience of sun and water and soil and yet each of experiences it all so differently.  This is something that always seems to come up when I am together with my siblings.  We experienced our childhoods so differently.  We remember even the exact same things so differently.  We experienced our parents differently.  It is hard sometimes to come to terms with the differences of our experiences.  Our memories.  Our childhoods.  And even now. We continue to experience things so differently.  It is hard sometimes to respect and come to terms with the differences of our experiences.  We are in the same garden but experiencing differing shade and sun and water. Sometimes we forget that it's not the same. And not all of us are flourishing in the same way.  Anyway.  I'll just quickly also bring up the issue of being an adult when your parents divorce and remarry. I must have been naive or maybe I just didn't want to think about it - but I didn't think this would affect me as much being older.  I was 21 when my parents got divorced.  And I will just tell you that I was wrong. And if you are one of the people who somehow think or thought the same, I just want to disprove that myth for you once and for all.  And I just have to say that having your parents remarry at any age is still hard.  There just is no way around it.  There were weeds I found on this trip cropping up in my mind that I didn't even know existed.  Not the "bad thought" weeds that we're typically taught to weed out of our minds in that sense, but just things growing in the back of my mind, thorny prickly uncomfortable feelings that needed to be dealt with. Painful thoughts that had to be grabbed with both hands and yanked on and brought to the surface and untangled, even though they dug into my palms and left me scraped and bloody.  I came home from the trip having accidentally unearthed some prickly thorny weeds and it wasn't necessarily any one's fault or any particular incidences or anything. It was just the circumstance of what is and that I need to deal with my weeds. It was a wonderful trip, all things considered. It is so beautiful there and I love it.  The wedding day was beautiful and I loved it. I love my family and I loved spending time with them.  Gardening is just such hard work.  We work at it the best we can and sometimes we aren't so good at it.



3. Summertime and my kids: we started a new chore system and it seems to be going well. The kids are actually doing chores!!  Hooray! This is going well for the most part because I am doing well enough to enforce it - ta da! Magic! ;)  And Zac and I are both actually amazed at how well it is going.  It took a couple weeks to get some of the complaining to stop and to not have to drag certain children from step to step but after 4 weeks, it seems to be going somewhat smoothly. They have a room for the week to clean and maintain everyday and then "deep clean" once a week and we have incorporated doing the laundry and some extra things into the basic rooms. They have a printed list of what they are expected to do every day.  I help Samuel and Elisabeth as needed.  That's basically it.  They seem to be proud of their work, happier throughout the day, they keep things cleaner because they take some ownership in it. Ahh finally seeing some growth in this little garden!!  We are also taking steps to limit screen time and that seems to be helping the overall tone in our home.  Other than that, we've made our list of "fun things to do" and we're trying to do them.  Except Elisabeth wants to do things like "make hats" and I'm really like, really? do we have to make hats?! I'm not crafty and I don't really want to sit and make hats but there it is, sitting, staring at me on the fun list, wanting to be done. Crap.  So yeah.  There's things like that.  I'm more into the "make homemade ice cream" - lots of it.  Let's make lots of homemade ice cream, and popsicles, and smoothies, and cookies .... and forget all about counting calories .... ever . . . again.  Ugh.  It's too hot here.
We are also doing lots of pooltime and hopefully growing lots of great family memories. Summertime...

4. Finally, because I haven't updated in a long time, I'll just give a quick pain update.  It's still there. The beastly trigeminal neuralgia and chronic migraine. I added another medication that is supposed to be helping the migraines and could also combine to work with my other med to help my TN. I started in April and have been increasing the dose. April I had 17 migraine days.  May I had 14. June I had 10.  So you could say perhaps it's working. It could be coincidence. It could be any number of factors.  You could say any way you look at it, 10 migraine days in a month is still an awful dang lot of migraines!!!  I was disappointed when I counted it up because it felt like it had been such a better month for me.  hahaha.  That's still an awful lot of days.  And then I still have the daily TN pain.  But I'd have to say that pain is mostly down a notch.  So instead of generally being at a 6-7 on a 1-10 scale, it is mostly at around a 5-ish most of the time.  And I have some small hours at a time when I am almost without pain, which is glorious.  I have been able to exercise, or I am able to force myself to exercise most of the time, which I am grateful for - and I have been counting calories, which is miserable.  But it is a necessary evil, because I hate the weight I gained on the meds and being bedridden that first year and a half with the severe pain. It is/was a definite contributor to my depression.  I never know if or when I may be at that point again so I need to do all I can to become more physically healthy while I can or whenever I can.  It's been hard but worth it to see even small results.  So my pain is a little bit better.  Mostly now I get the ache  and stinging pain across my cheekbone, occasionally aching in my upper jaw, occasional aching and shooting pain in ear, pain around eye and in eye, tingling along tip of tongue, feeling like someone is pinching my ear - then the migraine either in my left eye and left side of forehead and head, or on my right side of head (I know that's
weird).  So that's the strange garden of my brain (these messed up neurons).  Just leave it alone - only the professionals can tell what's growing in there (metaphorically).



And there you have it.  Lots of growth and weeding and watering and fertilizing and nourishing and waiting and watching and hopefully harvesting.  All of it.  That's what life is, right?  Gardening. :)

anniversary brain dump

otherwise entitled: Welcome to my Brain

or, otherwise known as: Brain, Sometimes I Hate You.

This month marks the One Year Anniversary since this crazy pain started. This is the month I went to my Dr, thinking for sure that since my ear had been hurting for a few weeks, I might have an ear infection. But then he treated me for an ear infection, and my ear still hurt, radiating down into my jaw and in my teeth. And thus began this fun journey of Dr after Dr: dentist, ENT, ENT nerve specialist, neurologist, neurosurgeon, pain management specialist, etc. But I'm getting ahead of myself. At first it was just the Dr, dentist, and ENT. And then after 2 months of ear/jaw/tooth pain, it seemed to go away. Then 2 months later, it was back again, along with the face pain that has now been my constant companion for 8 months. Pain in my ear, cheek, around my eye, along my nose, along my jaw and in my teeth. Every single stinkin' day for 8 months now.

I don't need to rehash the entire story. The point is just that I am sitting here at the ONE YEAR mark and I am just not happy about it. In fact . . . well, in fact I am struggling quite a bit. So I guess I thought I'd just dump some of my thoughts out on you. haha. This will just be totally random, unorganized babbling. I hope you'll read it anyway. {and the side notes in brackets are some of the intruding thoughts that try to fight through the muck, but aren't very successful. I usually just feel worse.}

I have read/heard a lot about how we need to control our thoughts, and the thoughts behind our pain bring us more pain than the pain itself, and we need to let go of negative thoughts, and turn them around, reframe, etc etc etc. Just look at Pinterest and you will find about a million positive thinking quotes, all done up with pretty fonts and pretty colors and pretty backgrounds. And it's all well and good. It is right. I don't disagree. But really, when your thoughts are coming at you like an avalanche, or a rock slide, or more accurately, a mudslide . . . I don't know how to stop them all, or look at the positive, or change them all into pretty helium balloons and watch them float away.

{and then I hear that I should change all my metaphors to be able to see things differently} yes, yes, I know.

The hardest thing is that I am fairly certain that this pain is not going to go away. It is more probable that it will get worse as time goes on, or as I age. Medications are iffy. The one I'm on now has taken me from absolute constant 24/7 pain, to pain that comes and goes, but is still present, coming and going, many many times through each hour throughout the day. And the side effects from that med have been getting worse, I think. They are pretty awful in and of themselves. I don't know if I will ever reach a state of 100% relief. And that is hard to come to terms with. I am physically tired, mentally worn down, and emotionally frayed. {realistic or pessimistic?}

I've also been diagnosed with migraines, as a separate issue from the trigeminal neuralgia pain. I'm experimenting with abortive medications for those. Since I've been tracking it, I've gotten them about 4-5 a month. And then just regular old headaches frequently too. I haven't been tracking that pain. My neurologist has me keeping a pain log, 3 times a day, rating my pain (but only the trigeminal neuralgia). I've been doing it since Feb. And I'm sort of tired of it. Really tired of it. Sick of it. But they want to see how my pain levels change with new meds etc, so I know it makes sense to do it. I just don't want to.

My children need a better mother. I know this just sounds like the trite exclamation of an exhausted depressed mom. But, seriously. This summer has felt more disastrous than much of anything else. My kids are a little out of control. And I cannot do much about it. And then I am filled with the guilt of thinking, if I had taught them better before now, before I came down with the pain issues, then things would be better now. But I have failed. And what will the coming years be like, will they hate me for being the mom that is always sick in bed? {one day at a time . . . see how my trying to see into the future makes me feel worse?}

{and have we mentioned the "what you dwell on is what you get more of" philosophy . .. or that we have brought everything into our life by our own choices, our thoughts, our intentions? So, I've done this to myself. Is that right? Is that what you're trying to tell me?}

A year ago, I was doing a mini-triathlon. I felt strong and healthy. I was so proud of myself for doing that. Perhaps more proud than I should have been. In December as I was thinking of New Year's Resolutions, or things I wanted to do this year, I was planning to do another mini-triathlon and maybe a mud-obstacle race. Then I was hit with pain that got worse with activity, medications that made me so slow and sluggish and sleepy I could barely get out of bed at all, and worsened depression from both the pain and the meds that just made everything feel impossible. Not surprisingly, I have gained weight. My clothes don't fit. I feel discouraged everytime I get dressed. I can't bring myself to consider buying clothes in an even bigger size than I have ever worn in my life. I know I need to diet to even maintain, but I just don't have the self-control when I am depressed and in pain. I hate all of this. I hate it passionately. And it just does not have the simple fix that it used to (eat less and exercise more - not that it's ever simple anyhow). I just don't have it in me. When I compare where I was a year ago to where I am now, it is almost unbearable. {but I know I need to accept my life for what it is now, today. acceptance. Oh boy.}

I have made myself exercise. I miss going to Zumba and have tried to go, even though it hurts a lot. I even went to another class - some mix of aerobic kickboxing or something. But there were only about 5 of us there and the teacher, although a fantastic teacher, was trying to push us with the pep talks "you can do better than that, c'mon you gotta push yourself, you decide how many calories you burn by how hard you work!!!!" and I imagined her eyes were settled on me as I just tried to do what I could, which wasn't much. She didn't know. I guess I could have told her. {I am probably just self-conscious and shouldn't care so much about what I imagine other people are thinking, which they probably aren't even thinking.} Oh well. I kind of hated it.

It is hard for me to be around people. It's hard if they ask how I am and I'm not sure if they really want to hear (again) that I'm not really doing too great. I'm not sure if I should lie (just a little) and say I'm fine. It's hard if they don't ask at all because then I feel like they don't care. It's hard to be around all the happy shining people who have no idea what it's like to be hurting all the time. It's hard to stay home because I don't have the energy to go out and about and deal with the inevitable lights and noise etc that are anywhere and everywhere.

Really. I can't believe I'm saying these things. Thinking them is bad enough.

And have I mentioned how talking and smiling make the pain worse? Um. Yeah. Sometimes as much as I want to talk and smile, I just don't want to put myself through it. So sometimes I may steer clear of people because chances are I just might talk and/or smile. Either that or break into tears without warning. So you see how this becomes problematic, don't you?

And then there comes the whole, "I wouldn't be given this if I weren't strong enough to handle it" or I must be learning something from this, or somethingsomethingsomething. I don't even know what to do with that sometimes. I'm not sure what "handling it" means. I'm still alive? I get out of bed? I've survived another day? Sometimes I just think, is this really a good thing? What good am I doing here?!? {and then I know, I mean a lot, more than anyone can ever express, to my husband, my kids, my extended family . . . I know. But . . . sigh. But. who am I here for? me? them? what role do I fulfill, really, right now? I'm not sure.}

Anyway. This blog post has been really long. And I've started it, set it aside, added to it, closed it several times throughout the day. I don't know what the point is, really. And what I want from it. I don't know. Do I need help? yes, sometimes. Do I want sympathy? yes, sometimes. Do I need someone to listen? yes, definitely. Do I miss my old days of happy skipping frolicking blogging? yes, more than you know. I miss a lot of things. I am grieving for a year that feels lost. And feeling frightened and panicked and unstable at the prospect of who knows how many years to come, more like this. {again, I just need to take one day at a time. One moment. I know. But I am a thinker and a planner and I am more than overwhelmed with these thoughts.}

Part of me feels sorry for dumping this on you. There is nothing really any of you can do. So perhaps I have burdened you unnecessarily with my pain. I hope that I can trust you not to be harsh with me for doing so. I hope that perhaps by scattering these thoughts out to you, you can help diffuse the pain and help carry the burden just by knowing. Just know and understand that sometimes some thing might trigger one of these thoughts, and then that "pang of sadness" becomes like "the engine of a train, pulling all the other sadnesses after it" (paraphrased from Belong to Me, by Marisa de los Santos). I will try, in time, to help my brain keep one thing at a time and keep the mudslide at bay. I will try. Then the negative thoughts will be like balloons, I can hold in my hand, and accept and appreciate, and let go.

Turning Around (thoughts on pain and truck driving)

I think we'd all agree that there are many varieties of pain. Pain varies in intensity, duration, quality and actual nature. I've come across checklists that include words like shooting, burning, shocking, boring, searing, throbbing, aching, constricting, exploding, stinging etc etc. You get the idea. There are lots of ways to talk about it.

Based on my experiences up til now, I have always thought of pain as being primarily 2 different types.
1.) The pain of something being wrong: injury, illness, etc. This is the body's alert system, a sign to fix something.
And then there is 2.) the pain of labor and childbirth. This is fundamentally different because the pain of contractions is a sign that the body is doing exactly what it's supposed to. You can't fix it. It actually means things are progressing! It's a good sign. Hooray.


I consider myself somewhat knowledgeable on the pain of Type 2, having delivered a 9 lb 5 oz baby completely naturally (and then in subsequent years, likewise delivering a 6 lb 15 oz and a 8 lb 1 oz. baby). And through those experiences, I learned a bit about how I deal with pain.

I learned for instance, that I mostly like to be left alone. I don't want other people giving me a lot of suggestions, distracting or bugging me, or even talking to me (Zac was allowed to touch me, but that was it). I deal with it by withdrawing inward and focusing. Deep breaths and conscious efforts to relax. Being aware of physical tension in my arms and shoulders and releasing it (because tension tends to increase the perception of pain). I knew it was temporary, no matter how eternally long it seemed to be. And I knew I could endure. If I could shut down everything else and just focus on getting through the pain, I could do it.

This sometimes works to help with the first type of pain, too. Sort of. Things like dental work, when you know you just have to deep breathe for a short while until the Novocaine kicks in, or having blood drawn, or those kinds of necessary but painful experiences. I can deal with those.

And bigger, deeper, longer lasting and more intense pain, I tend to need to be alone to deal with it. Headaches. Gall bladder attacks (before I had it removed). But again, I knew it would go away eventually. I just had to wait it out. I just had to let the pain take over for a little while until it ran its course. I had to let everything else go and just survive it, for a while.

But then there's this. This nerve pain. My usual coping mechanisms aren't working. Because it doesn't fit any other pattern. This will not go away. It may not be fixed. Or, if it does, I have no way of knowing how long it will be before it does. It's entirely possible it won't. So my natural instinct to withdraw and focus and wait . . . just won't work anymore. Because I can't function like this. I'm not functioning.

I know I can't keep going on like this. Somehow I need to change the way I am approaching this pain and dealing with it. I need to turn around and back myself out and try a different route because this road isn't taking me anywhere. I know this. I have to keep going and learn how to function in spite of the constant pain. In spite of all my impulses and all my experiences telling me to do otherwise, I have to learn to ignore it. Push it aside. Distract myself. Something. I don't know yet.

But I am not a compact little mini-cooper (or whatever) that can change its mind and flip around on a dime. Ohhh no. I've discovered that I might be a little more like a huge 18-wheel tractor trailer, hogging the road, needing some huge extra buffering space to maneuver around. I might have traffic blocked in both directions, cars honking, getting impatient because I'm in their way. I might even need someone (or a few someones) to get out and help direct me because I just might run into something if they don't. I might cry. A lot. I might get going forward and jerk, and go back and slam, and might stall the dumb thing and end up jack-knifed, get frustrated and use some colorful language that I wouldn't normally use, because 'what-the-crap!-I-don't-even-have-a-license-to-drive-this-thing!' Whoever thought I could do this must have been insane.

But here I am.
I will take this and get it turned around eventually.
Because I have no choice.

Be patient with me.

ouch

ok, so I don't technically know if what I'm experiencing is migraines. But man. That illustration is a pretty accurate description of what it feels like. Especially behind my one eye. And it hurts even more when I move, so I try to lie very still in bed when it strikes. And sometimes it seems to come and go for days and days. Which means I spend a lot of time in bed, for days. Which means I then feel guilty for all the time I am spending in bed. Which, argh, just isn't very much fun all around. I don't even feel like writing in complete sentences (gee, can you tell?). I don't feel like blogging. Or doing much of anything, really. But I'm considering going to see a Dr, perhaps. I'm debating it. I'm also still getting that crazy nerve pain in my left ear, which the ENT thought was most possibly Trigeminal Neuralgia, but I never did really figure that out. It comes and goes but hasn't "worsened" per se, so I have mostly just tried to ignore it as much as I can. But sometimes, I have the awful one-sided headache, plus the eye pain, plus the ear pain. And I pretty much want to curl up and die. Well, not really. But sort of.
So.
That's me right now.
Off and on for the last week or so.

Someday I really will catch up my Christmas posts and all the end of year summations and all of that. I promise. I just need to not be experiencing this monster headache in order to do that. Ugh.

Any advice on headaches, with eye pain in particular? Anyone? Or anyone have some really good jokes or stories or something to distract me from the pain? Anyone out there at all? hello?! haha. ok.
love to you all. Thanks for listening to me moan and groan and complain.

a day in the life

Yesterday just seemed like I was driving back and forth all over the place all day long. And as I sat and thought about it, I really had been. Want to see? Yes, of course you do.
Here was my day:

8:00 drive kids to school
drive home
call Dr about pain Isaac was having in his groin
9:15 go to zumba
drive home
11 go pick up Elisabeth
come home
11:30 go pick up Isaac and check him out from school early
go to Dr, he sent us over to the hospital for an ultrasound
12:30 grab some fast food lunch on the way to the hospital
1:30 ultrasound for Isaac's pain issue (everything looked normal)
2:30 go home
2:45 pick up Samuel from school
home again
nap for 20 min.
3:30 send Isaac off to piano lesson
3:45 take Elisabeth to dance class
4:45 back home
start dinner
5:30 take Abigail to violin Christmas party
home again
6:30 go pick up Abigail, wait 30 min for the party to finish
back home to pick up a white elephant gift
7 drive Abigail to church youth group
back home

And in case you're wondering what Zac was doing during those evening run-arounds, he stopped at the store to pick up Isaac's prescription for an antibiotic (in case there was an infection causing his pain). Then he helped Samuel and Elisabeth with their homework while I played chauffeur, etc. And cleaned up dinner. Then we both got the kids to bed.

And that, my friends, is a day in our life (or a part of it anyway). Wasn't that fun? ;)

blahblahblah

{Warning: Skip this post if you hate listening to whining, moaning and complaining. Really. You've been warned.}

So. This morning I couldn't get the van up the little hill on the way to school. I tried twice and got stuck twice. I backed/slid my way back down and almost hit a tree in the parkstrip. Yeah. I thought I was still on the road, but . . . apparently not, as there are not trees growing in the street, and that tree was awfully close to my rear bumper. I turned around and went around to the other "main" road that had actually been plowed. It took me almost 20 min to get the kids to school in what should have only taken 5 min. or less. I was ticked.

I parked on the street in front of my house knowing I would need to drive that same route back again to take Elisabeth to preschool. It is against city ordinance to park on the street in the winter. But I did not want to slip, slide and fight my way through my back alleyway (which has not been plowed) again leading to my driveway. Then as I left to take her to preschool, I noticed a city code enforcer truck prowling around our street. Dangit. So when I got back (and saw him parked across from my house), I was forced to go back around to my driveway. I can't even get up my driveway when it is shoveled because it is sloped and the thin layer of frosty ice left by the shovel is too slick to get up. But it's not even shoveled and I don't feel like even bothering. So I parked at the bottom and hoped it didn't just slip it's way into the alley. Then I walked through the snow up to my garage and my pants and shoes were soggy and cold and wet.

And I can't go for my walk because even though I can brave the cold, I am absolutely not willing to trudge through the snow. Because sidewalks, walking paths, and most streets have not been cleared. And I don't have snow boots.

So, I'm just in a bad mood. This morning has left me dreading this winter with such a vengeance that I was in tears. Literally. That's a really bad sign. I don't feel like doing anything.

I think I need snow tires for the van. And maybe a snowblower (even though that still won't make it possible for me to get up my driveway). And some boots. And a treadmill. And cookies. Double chocolate cookies. With hot chocolate. Yup.

(Ugggghh.)

(maybe after I bake some cookies, and exercise, and shower, and nap, and am feeling semi-human again, I'll attempt a post on what I like about winter . . . because there are some things I like . . . I think . . .) :/

one good reason

I had a crappy week.

I mean, a really. crappy. week. It might just rank up there with one of my crappiest.

A few different factors converged all together to create what turned out to be the perfect storm of crappiness (including, but not limited to, Zac being out of town and having sick children. That always seems to happen. And that alone would be enough to add up to a certain degree of crappy. But that was not all. No, that was not all).

So. Anyway. You don't need to hear about all of it. I managed to mostly keep it out of my daily blog posts. So I don't know why I'm telling you now . . .

Except for this: I went to the library one day in the middle of the week and found this CD while browsing the children's music section. It's the Barenaked Ladies "Snacktime" album. And it's pretty funny. And while I admit that I played the "Bad Day" song more times than is probably considered healthy, most of the other songs are sure to make you smile.

So, if you need a small reason to smile today, if perhaps you are having a crappy day, or week, or month, or . . . life, then maybe this song can give you just a moment's reprieve. You never know, it might.

Enjoy. Love to you all, and thanks for being my friends, virtual or otherwise.

(my favorite line: "when I make mistakes, I use a lot of salt, cuz salt makes mistakes taste great." . . . oh, and the orange pants. I like that part too.)

(Elisabeth, May 2006, 3 1/2 wks old)

sometimes I just have to wonder if she's ever going to outgrow this . . .

13:

the number of days that we have had someone sick in our household within the last 4 weeks.

Yuck.

(and that's all I want to say today.)

when push comes to shove - and other random thoughts

1. I've been feeling the need to do better with many things in my life. I've been reminded of many areas where I am floundering and flailing, or simply failing. Some of them have been nothing but gentle reminders, simple inspiration and motivation. Some have been more forcefully brought to my attention. And I am trying desperately not to let that little push to do better turn into that push that shoves me face-down on the ground, scraped and bruised and hurting. It is a very very fine line with me. I know this. And I know have to be careful not to be too hard on myself to the point where I am debilitated by what I see as my many faults and shortcomings. If I'm not careful, I can quickly become so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed by it. Sometimes I hate that I have to be so cautious. One of my life struggles, it seems, is learning to accept some of these limitations I know I have - without allowing myself to become lazy or complacent. Sometimes it's not at all clear to me which is which.

I've been thinking about the role of guilt in our lives. Not Big Guilt. But little guilts. Sometimes feeling guilty is healthy and is the reminder from our conscience that our actions are not being consistent with what we know to be right, or good, or whatever. Sometimes though, we can feel guilty for guilt that is not our own. Or we can let the weight of feeling bad become the only motivator for wanting to change, which I don't think it should be. Or we use the guilt as a way to self-flagellate in a way that is not useful, healthy or motivating. I don't know exactly. Balance, balance. The precarious dance.

Anyway. I don't really have any profound insights on this dilemma. I'm just thinking out loud.

2. The other day when I didn't allow Elisabeth to have something she wanted when she wanted it, she exclaimed to me that she wanted to go live with Grandma and have her be her mom instead of me. This isn't the first time she's told me something along these lines. She's told me before that she wants to go live at preschool, too, and that she doesn't want me to be her mom. She's the first child I've had to tell me this (so far) - and I've been unsure how to respond. Ignore it? Tell her to go right ahead? Sometimes this comes at such a point of frustration and annoyance that it's all I can do not to just growl and scream. Not words. Just noise.

Well on this day, luckily I garnered some extra patience from somewhere, who knows where, and I told her that I would miss her so much if she did this.
She asked why?
And I said because she is my little girl.
And then she started to cry and said she would miss me so much too.

And I was thankful for that moment. That small moment when the frustration (on both ends) dissipated and was replaced by more tender feelings.

3. I am trying hard not to measure my worth, or the worth of my blog, or of my posts, by the comments I am, or am not, receiving. I know that many of you are reading by email, or blog feeds, or on facebook, and to leave a comment requires extra steps. Or you just don't feel you have anything to say. Or just busy. Or whatever. There are a million and one reasons why I myself do not always comment on posts, even when I do like them a lot. And I know that begging for comments is ineffective at best, and downright sniveling (or something) at worst. I'm just letting you know that I'm thinking about it. And trying not to let it get to me. hahaha.

4. Sick kids. It feels like I've had sick kids, of one sort or another, for weeks and weeks. having sick kids at home throw off all my equilibrium. I hate that.

5. I've been making a mental list of things that have broken or malfunctioned recently:

our dishwasher
the doorbell
the blender
my laptop
the garage door opener
the tv digital converter box

. . . there might be something else I've forgotten.

The dishwasher and blender were relatively easy fixes. Well, one was more quickly fixed out of perceived necessity. The other was relatively cheap. The others . . . just feel more complicated. Or for one reason or another keep being put off. It just kind of weighs on my brain a little. Anyway.

6. There are some people close to me going through some very rough things lately. My heart is heavy thinking of them and wanting to help and allieve the burden - but knowing there is only so much, if anything at all, that I can really do. Just something else on my mind.

So anyway. Those are some of my thoughts today. This week is supposed to be rainy and cool, which I am looking forward to. I am also happy that this week is the last week of soccer season. And . . . I just love fall. And I am plowing through some really good reading. So there are happy things, as well. There are, indeed. :)

take care . . .

one of those days

This morning started out as usual.

My alarm went off at 6:55 with birds chirping on my wonderful nature sounds alarm clock. I ignored it for 10 min, pretending I was just lying in a grassy meadow in the middle of a thick green forest, listening to the happy chirpy birds. Or something like that. Then Isaac came in asking if he could eat the leftover pizza for breakfast. I said yes.

I got up. Came out to family room, turned on the computer and
checked my email.

Elisabeth wandered out to the kitchen, wanting her morning cuddle. She wanted pizza too. Abigail ate Raisin Bran. Samuel miraculously got up on his own and came out driving his remote control car. Elisabeth and Samuel split the last piece of pizza.

Then Elisabeth decided she wanted popcorn. Popcorn?! I told her to wait. Approx. 7:30 am. She dug our big ceramic popcorn bowl out of the cupboard. Samuel wanted oatmeal. I worked on making Samuel's lunch for his field trip. Put eyedrops for pinkeye in Abigail's eyes. Reminded Isaac and Abigail that they needed to make their lunches.

Samuel grabbed the big bowl off the counter and somehow dropped it on the kitchen floor, and it broke. I almost cried. I remembered our "movie themed" Christmas when I was so excited to find that perfect movie popcorn bowl. Wondered if it would be worth it to glue it back together or just throw it away. Sat it on the counter with its 3 pieces and left it.

7:50 AM - told Isaac and Abigail that it was time to leave. Isaac hadn't gotten his lunch together, so we threw some things in a bag and off they went to walk to school. I sat by Samuel and prompted him over and over and over to finish eating. He danced and wiggled and squirmed and sometimes ate. Then I had to get him to swallow his antibiotic medicine. No easy task.

He and Elisabeth fought over the remote control car and I had to take it away until he was ready for school.

Fought and dragged and pulled Samuel to get his clothes on for school. More screaming.

8:10 - He was almost ready to go.
8:15 - went out to wait for the bus, with the remote control car
8:20 - the bus came

8:30 - caught up on the blogs I read, checked Facebook, etc
ate my breakfast while reading a book

around 9 - put a load of towels in the dryer, fed the bunny some hay

Got Elisabeth dressed and put in her eyedrops for pink eye.

9:30 - tried to brush Elisabeth's hair. She cried and screamed until I finally gave up, frustrated and fed up, and I threw the brush down and told her I was done. And she proceeded to scream at me some more that she wanted me to brush her hair now. Um, no. And this went on for quite some time.

I got dressed to go out for my walk. Decided that I really wanted to listen to my music and tune out Elisabeth for just a little bit. I'd had enough of listening to screaming for the morning. But I'd messed up my ipod syncing it to the PC instead of my itunes library on the laptop, which is still giving me all sorts of headaches freezing up all the time.

So, I decided to attempt to sync it to the laptop, just hoping against all hope that it would cooperate long enough to successfully sync.

Nope.

It froze in the middle of syncing. Dumb thing.

And then, just as we were finally just about ready to get out the door and hopefully go for a long relaxing walk . . . I couldn't find the keys.

sometime around 10 - Called Zac and he had somehow gone to work with both sets of keys. So I couldn't lock the house and go for my walk after all. There have been attempted break-ins and "suspicious behavior" in my neighborhood recently, so I didn't want to leave the house unlocked. And I couldn't find the spare house key. And the garage door opener is broken.

Then Elisabeth looked up at me and asked, "mommy are you going to cry?"
I said yes.

And I gave up. I sat outside on the porch swing and read my book and told Elisabeth to play. And I almost fell asleep, as I felt all my energy and motivation seeping out of me and collecting in an ugly dark puddle underneath me on the deck.

Elisabeth had gone inside and filled up about 8 cups with water from kitchen sink, for no known reason. I slowly sopped up all the water on the floor and left the cups lined up on the counter.

around 11 - And then, to try to keep myself from crawling back into bed and sleeping this rotten day away, I blogged about it instead. ;)

(Have you ever had days like this? yeah. I know.)

school observation #2 and other random thoughts

- So I went to the charter school today and observed the kindergarten class. It was fairly obvious to me that it would be a really hard adjustment for Samuel to be in this class (and these are his grade-level peers). Ugh. All that really means is that I left trying to hold back tears. Again. Tomorrow he has a hearing test and follow up with the ENT. Then the placement meeting on Thurs.

- Abigail was looking at a walmart ad or other such thing the other day, looking at makeup and stuff. She turned to me and said, "you're not really one of those moms that wears makeup or really cares about fashion or tries to look good, are you." Ummm . . . I'm not really sure, but should I be offended by that?

- I mentioned awhile back on Facebook that I was having a bout of erythema nodosum - which are painful lumps under the skin on the shins. I've had 2 episodes before in my life - both times when I was pregnant with boys. Weird, I know. Most of the time the cause is unknown. When I saw the dermatologist the first time, he didn't really think it was related to pregnancy - but whatever. And this time, I am 100% positive that I am not pregnant. They typically go away on their own, but are quite painful and bothersome while they last. And it's been somewhere around 8 wks this time around that I've had the lumps. Some have gone away, some new ones have appeared. I know you don't really care. But it crosses my mind occasionally when my legs are aching and throbbing that maybe I should see a Dr. and see what is up with this. Then again I don't want to waste a $45 copay for them to tell me "yup, it's erythema nodosum and will clear on its own - eventually." The one spot of several lumps merging together on one shin is probably 3-4 inches in diameter and looks like a nasty bruise. Yuck.

- I took pictures of the Walk for Babies walk on Sat (which was freezing cold and rainy - but still fun) but took them with my least-used camera. And I can't figure out how to upload them properly onto this computer. So that post has been on hold.

- Abigail has her Hope of America performance tonight. At BYU's basketball stadium. Just imagine 4000 5th graders and their families all swarming around . . . ohhhh boy. I'll take pictures - with my good camera. And I'll try not to complain about the inevitable chaos this evening will bring. Have I mentioned how I hate crowds?

- Elisabeth has been wetting her pants nearly everyday. This child.

- School is almost over. I am having major mixed emotions about this. I'm mostly relieved it's almost over, a little panicked by un-achieved goals I had for the year, a little excited to have a break, go on vacation, etc, and a little stressed by the expectations I have for myself of things I should do to keep my kids entertained and out of trouble all summer long.

- I think I think too much.

- I've just spent all this time blogging when I should have been folding the ~5 loads of laundry gawking at me from the family room floor. Oh well.

There's probably more I could blab (complain) about but that's enough for now, don't you think?
yeah, me too.

and all to be able to sit in a classroom

So. My apologies to those of you who are getting a double dose of this saga through my facebook status updates and then now through my blog posts (which will eventually also make their way to my facebook page). I just feel the compulsive need to summarize the whole ordeal in one place. So here we are.

I've talked about the ordeal of figuring out placement for Samuel in school next year and how difficult of a decision that will be. I have already been in turmoil about it for months now. He doesn't really seem to "fit" anywhere - there is no "ideal" placement. But next week I will meet with his IEP team (normally his teacher, speech therapist, principal, a representative general education teacher, and me) to discuss and make a decision. So, to be able to have my own opinion to contribute, I have felt (and also been advised by others) to go in and observe Samuel in his class and also observe a general ed kindergarten to get an idea of how he is doing, behaving, participating, interacting, and be able to compare that with how a typical "mainstream" kindergartner is behaving, participating and interacting. This seems reasonable, right?? I thought so.

Franky, I dreaded doing it. First because it is always uncomfortable to arrange for these things and go do it. And I have to find babysitters for Elisabeth - which is stressful for me. But I geared myself up for it and asked his teacher if I could do this.

She wrote back and said the principal wasn't comfortable with me observing another class, because of confidentiality and ethical reasons. So. I called the principal to see what the school policy on observing classrooms is. I then called the Special Ed Dept of the school district - who referred me to the Student Services dept - who referred me to somebody else - who referred me to someone else. I don't even remember everyone I talked to. But between secretaries, and voice mails, and phone tags, and transferring my call to someone else, and waiting for return calls etc etc., it had taken me an entire morning and I had talked to at least 6 separate people. And have I mentioned how much I really really hate making phone calls?!? I really. truly. hate. making phone calls. So all this stuff just isn't easy for me.

Anyway - I was finally told that there is nothing that would prevent me from going in to observe a regular ed class. I was also told, as I asked in passing, that I should be able to observe my own child in his sp ed class, even though there are confidentiality requirements. So then. More phone calls to the principal to finally arrange a time for me to go into a mainstream class.

This morning I wrote a note asking Samuel's teacher when I could come observe him in his own class. She wrote back saying the principal said I can't do that - and that the special ed district people supported that decision. HUH!?! I can't go observe my own child in his class?!? What the heck?!?

So, I called the principal again, practically in tears because I am so shocked that they are telling me I can't do this. She said because it's special ed and these kids have IEP's, I can't go in and just watch. I can go in and help with a party, for instance, but not just watch. Ummmmmm . . .
But she said she'd call the district again.

And I called my neighbor who is highly involved in state special ed stuff and she told me that's ridiculous.

And the principal called me back and said that they would like to "recommend" that I go in and help as a teacher's helper and not just sit and watch which "might make the kids uncomfortable." I mentioned that it would be really difficult for me to watch my child and take notes on what he's doing if I'm "helping." But, she didn't really comment on that. And then she said they would also like to have someone else (such as herself) come in with me and explain things to me as we observe. My thought was "wouldn't it be more distracting to have someone talking to me during their class time rather than just have me watch silently by myself?" But I felt like I had made enough objections already and I was feeling like I was putting up a big stink already, so I let that point slide. Bottom line is, I can do it after all.

And I just sort of wondered, wouldn't it have avoided a lot of confrontation if she had checked with the district when I asked, before telling me no, if she wasn't completely sure, instead of telling me flat out "that can't be done" when that clearly wasn't the case?? It makes me angry that I had to put up such a fight to be able to do something that really shouldn't have been an issue in the first place.

She also gave me a long lecture on confidentiality and that if she lets me do this, it also means the other parents would have the same right and I need to know that other parents might be seeing my child, too. Well, duh! I just told her that I would assume that's a given that any parent would be allowed in the classroom at any time. I understand there is confidentiality, esp with IEP's. I guess some parents wouldn't want anyone else to know their child is receiving special education services or something. I really don't know. But, seriously? As a parent, I just cannot even fathom being told I can't come in and watch what is happening in the class. I know it's a little awkward and might be distracting. But it just needs to be an option. Always.

And then she said she needed to remind me that placement is a team decision anyway and not just mine, which I felt to be a little offensive. It is my understanding that it is still my prerogative at any point to refuse services, or to disagree, or that my opinion really matters in these decision meetings. And if I am to have anything to contribute to the discussion then I need to know what's happening in the class. I need to be able to see for myself and form my own opinion. Doesn't that seem reasonable??

Anyway - that's it. I guess I'm done now. I'll write more after I actually go in and observe, of course while maintaining the confidentiality of any other students (don't attack me on that point, please). I just really don't do well with this kind of thing. Confrontation makes me shake and cry, actually. So it's been a difficult ordeal.
Oh well.
Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

Random Saturday

(first off, a pic of Elisabeth and her cute friend Elijah. I hear there are a handful of other girls with dibs on his early betrothal, but well, we'll just have to wait and see now, won't we.) ;)



Here's a list of things I found in Samuel's "play" backpack the other day (along with some actual toys and game pieces):


- a bar of soap
- one D battery
- 10 dry erase markers
- a lint brush
- a Christmas ball ornament
- 2 tennis balls
- a reusable ice pack
- an old blank cassette tape

Is it any wonder I can't keep things under control around here??

I've realized that if I make a list at the beginning of the week of things I think I should be able to do in one day, I might be able to accomplish it all by the end of the week. For instance, last Mon. I woke up and was disgusted by how gross my kitchen floor was. It desperately needed to be mopped. And finally - on Fri. - I mopped it. I guess I can just be glad I got it done eventually. But really, I am so discouraged sometimes by how much I stink at my life. And it has to do with much much more than just housework.

And then even though I am discouraged and frustrated, I can't seem to do the things I know I need to do to actually change anything about it. Am I just lazy?? I really don't know. Sometimes I wonder.

Sometimes I am more patient and understanding with myself.

Lately, I just don't know what to think about myself. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. This whole being me business.

But sometimes, I am still just so easily thrown off balance.

Anyway - the leaves on my trees are finally bursting from their buds. YAY!! That has made me quite happy to see.

But my allergies have also gone berserk and that has made me not so happy.

I guess maybe I could blame my foggy brain and confusion on my itchy eyes and constant sneezing, but I don't know for sure if that's the cause.

I'm just not doing as well as I would like with just about everything I can think of. I would like to get things in order. Feel good about things. Even just a few key things. There are a lot of things I would like to change, if I could. If I could muster enough energy and courage and determination. It seems I am lacking in those things. Motivation has gone completely AWOL.

So. This post has not turned out to be what I thought I was intending on it being. But yeah . . . When does anything turn out to be what you thought it was going to be anyhow?

And here's my random 10 ipod shuffle for today's random thoughts (just for fun):

1. Silence 17 - They Might Be Giants

2. String Quartet in E minor - Mendelssohn

3. Me in Honey - REM

4. Justice and Mercy Underscore - Book of Mormon Video Soundtrack

5. Wind in Trees - Kado Music

6. Five Get Overexcited - The Housemartins

7. Concerto No. 6 - Corelli

8. Letterbox - They Might Be Giants

9. Ignoreland -REM

10. The Plot Thickens - Shadowlands Soundtrack

Roller-Skating is Fun, Part Two

(Caution: Kristen's Soapbox Ahead. Proceed At Your Own Risk)

Aw, yeah. We got to go to Samuel's school free skate night last night - so 2 nights of free roller skating in less than 2 weeks! hip hip hooray! This is more roller skating than we have ever done in all our 12 yrs of marriage, but now I am devising strategies to go more often. If only they had like a season pass for roller skating or a punch pass or something to make it more affordable to go often. That'd be awesome.

Don't ask me why I'm developing this sudden desire to go skating. I think it might be a combination of all of these opportunities simply appearing together, and reading The Happiness Project which has had me thinking about ways to incorporate more fun into my life. And by golly, I think skating is fun. And it's pretty good exercise (if you can actually goooo without crashing into young-uns) and it's kind of like dancing, which of course is always fun, . . . and the kids like it . . . and it makes me laugh by the silliness of enjoying it so much. And those are all good things.

Here are some of my other observations from this second night of skating:

1. I am getting much too old to play wipe-out. You know, it's that game where they stop the music and say wipe-out and everyone has to fall down?? I had Michaela by the hand out on the rink and she wanted to play. At first I thought I was doing ok. But by the end I was having a hard time getting back up after wiping out. And my knee was getting sore from falling down onto it every time. Dear oh dear.

and 2. well, I really just need to talk about the scooter issue. I thought it over and decided what the problem really is and why it was driving me crazy!! And it's not just that kids on scooters are reckless and go faster on the scooter than they ever would on skates (although I still think that's a problem). The real issue is RULES. The thing is, there are certain rules and roller rink conventions that everyone must follow in order to have fun.

#1 Everyone must go in the SAME DIRECTION -always always always
#2 You do not cut straight across the rink EVER
#3 If you need to exit the rink, you move over gradually (in accordance with rules #1 and 2)
#4 You do not stop, unless you have crashed

And what I noticed is that the kids on scooters are not following these rules. At all. The reason for this, I decided, is that when you teach a kid to skate, a parent takes them by the hand (out of necessity) and kind of teaches the rules as they teach how to skate. The kids on scooters don't need to be taught how and therefore are not being taught the rules. The parents bring the kids and off they go on their scooters leaving a path of chaos and destruction in their wake, while their parents sit on the sidelines. Now, I know this is a generalization and there are some parents who might attempt to explain the rules to the kids. But frankly, 3-4 yr olds (and 5-6 yr olds, and even older) are not the best at remembering and following rules. So, I have come to the conclusion that maybe they just shouldn't be out on the rink by themselves. hahaha. :)

And lest you think I am simply a rule-fanatic - let's all try to remember that these are just like driving rules, they keep everyone safe, they allow us to be able to anticipate others' actions and navigate accordingly, and they keep everybody happy. I can't even tell you how many times I narrowly avoided crashing because some kid came out of nowhere making a beeline straight across the rink and directly into my path.

So, there's my soapbox of the day. Scooter-lovers, please don't attack me too harshly, if you please.
And for your information, Disco Night at Classic Skating from 9-midnight on Sat. - Ages 16 and Up ONLY!! Wohoo! Who wants to come?!? :)

(this pic is as we were waiting in line for the water fountain before leaving. The fog machine was on getting ready for "blackout" - yeah, I'm not too sure skating in the dark is the best idea, either. But we'll leave that for another discussion . . .) :)

automatic underwear dispenser - and other tidbits

So, this morning I discovered that somebody installed an automatic underwear dispenser in the boys' room and I didn't even know it.
It's deceptively simple. You merely open the dresser drawer seen here:


And, ta da! The pair of underwear falls out onto the floor!

Perfect.

In other news:

Elisabeth has been getting in lots of trouble lately. No big surprise, really. One day not long ago, she colored her fingernails with a red magic marker. I'm really not sure if she was trying to make them look pretty or just scary. Because it turned out looking kind of like freaky bloody fingertips. Today she found some of the christmas stocking candy and raided it while I was in the shower. She cut off some of her hair the other day (inconspicuously, thankfully!). She has dismantled pieces of our artificial christmas tree and scattered it around the room. And she keeps having accidents wetting her pants nearly every day. Every. Single. Day. She is just so independent, it doesn't even seem to faze her. She just changes her clothes, and goes on her merry way, and leaves the wet things on the floor somewhere for me to find later. It's driving me crazy. She may have potty-trained earlier than the other kids, but the other kids hardly ever had accidents once we considered them "trained." Elisabeth, however, continues to surprise us with her own way of doing things. Grrrrrr. . .

- I won the Thanksgiving Point Membership from the giveaway on MormonMommyBlogs!! I know I mentioned it on Facebook, but I am really just so excited. I honestly couldn't believe it!!

- I have been a bit stressed lately. I've mentioned that, right? Along with the normal day to day stresses, we have the added mounting stress of Christmas preparations. We finished nearly all of our shopping for the kids a month ago, but then it occured to me that I forgot some small details - like shopping for Zac and our parents and stockings - and I still want to do some fun holiday type activities. And I still haven't decided whether to send out Christmas cards or not? Etc. etc. etc. I know there is a lot of buzz about reducing holiday stress, simplifying, toning things down and all of that, but really I just do the best I can. It will always be a little stressful. For me, at least. Maybe it's just because I am so easily thrown off kilter. Who knows. But I may as well accept it, I think. And then last week I thought that there was a possibility that something might have been going on with me physically that should not have been going on. And if it had been going on, not only would it have been unexpected and unprepared for, but it could also have been dangerous and even life-threatening. So that was quite worrisome. But it was unfounded. So that's good at least. And Zac is getting a pay cut come Jan 1st along with an increase in health care costs, and I cannot foresee any way at all that we can come up with the rather large chunk of money to make up the upcoming deficit in our monthly budget. I try not to think about it too much. But it is quite stressful (maybe I'll post more on that later and get your ideas on major budget stretching). And then there has been an extremely difficult situation going on with my extended family. Because of the people involved and the nature of the circumstances, I cannot talk about it (which is torture for me) but it has been very very difficult for me and I have had to make some heart-wrenching decisions. Anyway - so if you live near me and have seen me and I've seemed a little out of it or distracted, that is most likely the reason why. And if you haven't noticed, then I guess I am better at hiding things than I thought. And I guess sometimes that's a good thing. I had to kind of push these personal things aside for a bit so I could get that giveaway out there (even though I felt even slightly dishonest for posting something so lively when I really didn't feel like it) and to try to get other things done. It's hard for me to pretend that I am doing well when I am not (you may have noticed). So I guess that's why I'm confessing now.

Anyway - I think that's all my tidbits for today. I'll let you know if I think of anything else.

Of course.

And YOU HAVE UNTIL MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO ENTER THE CHRISTMAS GIVEAWAY IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY!!! Winner will be announced tomorrow! yay!

until then . . .

can you blame me? {reposted}

Isaac stayed home sick today, which always throws off my routine a bit. Can't really go out for my walk . . . and Zac accidentally brought both sets of keys with him to work, so I couldn't have taken the little ones to the Children's Garden as I had thought I might. And so instead of doing the million things I should have been doing this morning, I spent (wasted) too much time browsing house listings in a particular place on the east coast, with houses like this:

and back yards like this:

priced far more reasonably than comparable homes where I now live. (pictures taken from actual house listings)

Can you really blame me??

Can I even tell you what happens to me when I see places like this??

I think it started with our trip to SC and my heart fluttered as we drove down highways lined with green, green trees . . . trees so thick that you can't see any of the houses or stores from the road. And then several neighbors and friends are moving and I feel sharp pangs of jealousy - not because of where or why they are moving, but merely because they get to. That's not right, is it?
And then my brother and his wife are moving to a different state, too.

Those who know me well know that I have been longing to move somewhere greener for at least a few years now. I get the urge to look and dream, and then I give up and resign myself to staying. And I know, I know, I should be happy where I am, bloom where I'm planted, etc etc. But for 7 years, Seven Years, I have struggled to "bloom" here and I just can't help but think maybe I am a plant that needs more rain. Literally. Does anyone but me feel like they are truly happier in different climates, locations, environments? Is this just crazy??

Anyway - I know that we do live in great neighborhood. I feel like I do have some friends, although it has taken me 7 years to feel that way. Our house is comfortable. Zac's job is hard to beat. Schools are good. We are happy.

Don't get me wrong, we are happy.
Really.
But I just think that if merely looking at houses with yards filled with trees on half-acre lots brings me to tears and makes me miss it so badly that my insides hurt - there must be something to that, isn't there? I know that the grass always seem greener on the other side - but, really and truly, the world is a greener place in other places and I just want to be there instead of here. Is that wrong?

So anyway - just wanted to purge my thoughts on that matter. Pay me no attention. We have no definite plans of moving anytime soon, believe me (just don't ask me how I feel about that).

In other news, we've been working on some things with Elisabeth. First, getting her to go to sleep without us staying in her room with her. I know some of you are just tsk-tsk-ing for getting into such an abominable habit in the first place. But, oh well. We are now at the point where one of us sits outside her door and reassures her that we are there and then she'll to sleep. Pretty soon, I think, we will progress from that step, as well. We are also working on potty-training, sort of. If I leave her behind naked, then she is likely to remember and go potty by herself. But if she is weaing anything, diaper, pull-up, underwear, then it's like she's never used the potty before in her life. Why she doesn't seem to "get it" is beyond me. And, as I cannot let her stay naked all the time, it's a bit frustrating. But with the temps reaching high-80's today, I have her in a sundress with nothing underneath so that at least when she's playing outside, maybe no one will notice that she has a naked bum.

And, PS, thanks for all your responses to my previous questions. You all get 10 bonus points for participating!! yippee! (although I must admit I was just a tad disappointed that no one said they would just follow their intuition and move someplace else where they think they'd be happier - but what you did say was all too true. I know, I know. sigh.)