Help! We're under attack!!

There are hundreds of these bugs climbing all over my house and I'm sort of freaked out by it.

Anybody know what they are or how to get rid of them?

ewwww . . . you know, I'm usually ok with a few little bugs here and there. But crawling all over my house, my front door, the eaves, my front steps?!? yuck, yuck, yuck!!

Hike to Stewart Falls

On Saturday we went up for a family hike to Stewart Falls. It took us about 2 1/2 hrs and the kids all did great (mostly). It was very dusty and dirty - but still really fun. :)

ohh, precisely

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


--Derek Walcott

Another perfect explanation for what I am gleaning from my journal rereading project. Love it. (Found at The Chocolate Chip Waffle)

Flashback Friday: Journals #28-36

Well, this week's reading brought me through 11th and 12th grade, and a little bit into college. But since college represented an entirely new chapter in my life, I'm going to save that for next week. :)

For now, let's just finish up high school, shall we?

For the record, it was during this time that I mostly stopped wearing make-up and started letting my hair grow long. Why that is, I can't really say. But there it is.

This was in 11th grade (91-92) :

Sometime in there:
1993 - I got this dress for my 18th birthday :):

And I fell asleep on the floor making a mix-tape for a boy my Senior year. My youngest sister Heather would sometimes like to lie on my back to nap. It was surprisingly comfortable, for both of us I guess.

:)

Speaking of tapes, a friend of mine made a mix-tape for me in 11th grade (yes, back in the days of cassette tapes) and she dedicated this song on it to me. So I guess we can just call it my 11th grade theme song. It kept running through my head as I read through these journals, so go ahead and listen while you read to get the feel of it.

The Girl With The Loneliest Eyes. According to my friend, that would've been me.

Judging from the majority of my entries of this time period, these years were apparently mostly spent feeling bored, lonely and tormented.

Some other common recurring themes I have noticed:

1. dreams - I wrote so much about my nighttime dreams that sometimes it is hard to differentiate between events that really happened and those that I only dreamt. But it is so interesting to see how different stresses and events played out in my dreams. I don't know if I recognized it at the time, but my subconscious seemed to be very busy sorting out all kinds of things in my sleep. It's sort of fascinating.

2. cleaning - I can't even count how many times I mentioned needing to clean my room. Or that I just cleaned the kitchen. Or however many other different variations on that theme. Just let it be known that no small detail of my life was too insignificant to put in my journal. hahaha. (and now you see how my blog has become an extension of that) ;)

3. boys - well, duh.

4. shaving my legs - I have no idea why, but for some reason writing in my journal seemed to often go hand in hand with observing the state of needing to shave. It was on my mind a lot, I guess. So funny.

5. Rain - And finally, I really really loved the rain. I would anticipate storms coming through, I would go out and sit in it, or walk through it, or sit in my window watching it. And I mentioned over and over again how cleansing and cathartic I felt like rainstorms were. I felt like I needed it and always felt so much better after it rained. Oh how I miss it . . .

And here is one excerpt for you (is anyone enjoying these?!?! I need some feedback . . . pleeeeease. . . )

March 1993

"So what was my point in writing this?

I was just overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts that I didn't know what to do with. It's like you are my junk drawer. I try to sort through things and organize and file away in my mind, hang up in the closet of my brain, and sometimes I am successful in tidying everything up and other times I take what's left over and shove it into the junk drawer. You know the one.

So you get to hear all the junk that doesn't belong anywhere else. No one could understand why this isn't read by anyone. It's just not suitable; inappropriate. Rated KG, Kristen's Guidance Suggested Before Viewing. As you can tell, I'm getting tired now.

In here, you find all the stuff that I know is really garbage but can't bring myself to throw away. All the thoughts I know I'll never need again but which remain in the comfort that I have them accessible should I ever frantically try to remember where I put them. I know where to look: the junk drawer."

I just hope someone else might be enjoying the tidbits I'm sharing of this little journey I've been taking through my junk drawer this summer. It's always an adventure to see what we'll find stashed in there. :)

random thoughts for today

1. Before we left for vacation we got an HOA violation notice for our "landscape maintenance" (ie. weeds in our flowerbeds). So when we got back we spent no less than 4 hrs doing yardwork. Called the HOA and told them we had taken care of the problem. They called a week later and said it still wasn't fixed. Huh? So we pulled some more little weeds, thinking this was getting ridiculous, called them back again. We heard back again with them claiming the problem still wasn't fixed. At which point I kind of lost it and exclaimed that I really had no idea what else could be done and if there was still a problem they needed to come show it to me personally, because this was really and truly ridiculous.

We finally got a call about a week later saying that it was resolved. They had been looking at the wrong house.
Seriously.

2. A couple weeks ago Zac announced to me that, although we can each appreciate each other's taste in music, we'd probably never really like the same things. And, you know, after 12 1/2 yrs of marriage, I think I can finally accept this. I just laughed. We do both like The Beatles (among some others) - and that is more than enough common ground for anyone. Don't you think? ;)


3. Our dishwasher broke about a month ago. And although there is something sensual and soothing about washing dishes with hands immersed in warm sudsy water, both Zac and I are very excited about our new dishwasher which will be delivered tomorrow!! It's also a quiet model. Which, after 8 yrs of not being able to watch TV with the dishwasher running, is quite exciting.

4. And speaking of other things which have broken, my laptop DC power input jack broke on Mon. This was very very sad. Luckily I found someone who could fix it for about $60. But this, combined with the dishwasher and the smaller replacements of our bathroom scale, blender and kitchen faucet, is making me feel like things are falling apart left and right.
It's also making for a rather expensive month.

5. Oh yes, and speaking of expenses, I suppose I should update you on Elisabeth's surgery. She seems to be doing well. Her post-op follow-up visit is tomorrow. But her tonsillectomy site started bleeding on Sunday after she threw a pretty big tantrum over something. It made me nervous because when I had my tonsils out (at 14) and started bleeding a few weeks later, I filled up a Big Gulp cup with blood on the way to the Emergency Room to get it cauterized. It was really yucky. Hers stopped pretty quickly, thank goodness. And we went back to movies in bed and sucking on ice chips and that seemed to help. She's been waking up every night screaming because her throat hurts and has been pretty grumpy. So I am really looking forward to her complete recovery.

6. Actual conversation just now:

kids: we're playing a game teaching the kids to dance

me: that's great but I really want you to get your chores done first

Isaac (groaning): you say that every day!

me: I know I do. And someday, you know what would be really great? If you guys woke up and did all your chores, and maybe even something extra, without me having to even remind you.

[pause]

Abigail: well, that's most likely never going to happen.

Huh.

And that is our summer at this point.

(Although I am making lemon bread for breakfast. And that. is. awesome.) :)

this is why

I have been rather caught up in my project of rereading all my journals lately. It has even taken the place of much of my normal book-reading, which is sort of surprising. Some of it is like watching a train wreck - I know just what is about to happen, but I can't look away. But I thought I would share this whatever-it-is that explains somewhat why I am somehow compulsed to complete this neurotic project of mine. I wrote this back in April before I started all this rereading. But it is something that has been on my mind for much of this year, for some reason. Anyway, I just felt like sharing. It may not make a lot of sense and I know I'm a little nuts. But hey, we all knew that already, right? No surprises here. :)
(And PS - is anybody but me really interested in the journal excerpts I've been posting here? Just curious.)

ok here is this:


we hold our memories
carefully
at a distance
afraid to bring them
too close
like fragile glass
we are afraid
to embrace them
too closely
for they will shatter,
we are afraid
of getting cut
on their shards
the edges
too raw
too sharp
too dangerous
sometimes we think it best
to leave the past in the past
and keep these memories
hovering
out on our borders
somewhere
just out of reach.

But I've found that if
I can bring them
closer,
and look at them
for what they are now
I can make them
real to me,
substantial
and close,
and they are not
so fragile
anymore
They will not break
and shatter
and fall
because they are no longer
made of the glass
I had used to
enclose them
If I take the past
and look at it now
see it for what it is
and not for what I remember
then my heart
can embrace it
once again
and I can put it away -
because I know
it can't
hurt me
anymore.

Sunday Drive: Going West

One of the incredible things about where we live is that we are right on the edge of nothing. A 30 min. drive West brings us out into the desert and sagebrush and really not much else. I have to admit that, although I prefer being in the midst of forests and trees, it is a unique feeling to be so alone out surrounded by just so much space. It's kind of amazing.

we spotted an antelope

and a train that seemed to be stopped blocking the road, but eventually chugged slowly away (we all got out of the car to watch - from a safe distance)

we were actually looking for this Pony Express Trail Monument out in Faust, UT, close to where Zac will begin his 50 mile race come Oct.

and then the sun began to set

a view of some of the only occupants in this area as we found a place to turn around

heading eastbound back to our house, somewhere way over there

and glancing back westward to this gorgeous sunset

It was a nice Sunday evening drive. :)