In response to my last post, a dear friend of mine sent me this article this morning, which I have read before somewhere years ago, but it struck a very particular chord in my heart right now since it describes what I am feeling so perfectly. I just wanted to post it to share with you and to keep it in my chronicles as a reminder to myself.
Who would have known I would find myself in Holland?!?
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
the long road towards acceptance {reposting}
There are times when I think I have come to accept the fact that I have a child with "special needs." He had his first ear infection at 4 mos., first tubes put in his ears at 10 mos., - by 15 mos we knew he had a speech delay and started early intervention. So, for essentially 4 years now, he has had therapy of one sort or another. We are still searching for answers and feel like we may never really know what exactly is going on. But we have spent years trying to figure it out already. You might think we are getting used to all of this somewhat.
I think I used to think that parents of disabled children must come to accept it at some point. But now I have begun to think, do they? Ever? Do you ever get over looking at all the "normal" kids and not fight back the sting of tears as you realize how far behind your child really is? Do you ever stop wondering what you could have, should have, would have done if things had been different - and would anything have made any difference? Because I have to admit I hate sitting in the children's primary class at church with Samuel, when he won't sit with his class by himself, and watch the other kids his age. I hate feeling kicked in the stomach when I don't know if he will ever "catch up" to where they are. I hate all the reminders I see of his "differences." Do other people feel that way too?
I went to register him for kindergarten the other day and felt singled out and sorry for myself that his class does things differently than all the other kindergarten classes. The lady who took our paperwork couldn't tell me when or if they would do pre-kindergarten assessments, or when or if his class list would be posted, or really anything at all. She didn't know about the special needs class, she said. And I know I should get over my own sorry self when it comes to all of this. It's really not about me. It's about what's best for him. And I know that. And I do feel this is best. But it is still hard to be the mom who has to explain to everyone, when they ask who his teacher is, or when they look a little concerned that he's running around babbling nonsense and actually going to kindergarten, that he's in the special needs class. It's hard to feel a little amazed at what the other kids are able to do at his age - and he is just ages away, it seems.
So, today we went in for his pre-assessment (we found out his teacher does do them). He did as well as I would have expected, although it is just nothing like what Abigail and Isaac were doing going into kindergarten. I try hard not to compare. But sometimes, it just slides in like a paper cut and stings all over again. His teacher seems nice, although she is just fresh out of college. I just hope everything works out. The good thing is that there are only 6 kids in his class, with the teacher and 2 aides. So that's a pretty good student-teacher ratio! I'm hoping that with the attention he receives, he will be able to work at his level and make lots of progress.
But I worry about a lot of things. A lot, a lot, a lot of things. And I don't know how to accept what is, and simultaneously work to change what can be. Or whatever. Will someone please tell me how to do this? Does anyone know? Sometimes I don't feel strong enough or courageous enough or assertive enough or like anything I am is enough to do what's required of me as the mom of this child. A new year has begun - and I'm not sure I'm up for it. The road ahead feels long. And I know, I know I'm not the only one traveling this path. And many many many are on a tougher journey than mine by far. Am I the only one struggling to come to terms with this challenge, in whatever degree of difficulty? Is it just me?
I think I used to think that parents of disabled children must come to accept it at some point. But now I have begun to think, do they? Ever? Do you ever get over looking at all the "normal" kids and not fight back the sting of tears as you realize how far behind your child really is? Do you ever stop wondering what you could have, should have, would have done if things had been different - and would anything have made any difference? Because I have to admit I hate sitting in the children's primary class at church with Samuel, when he won't sit with his class by himself, and watch the other kids his age. I hate feeling kicked in the stomach when I don't know if he will ever "catch up" to where they are. I hate all the reminders I see of his "differences." Do other people feel that way too?
I went to register him for kindergarten the other day and felt singled out and sorry for myself that his class does things differently than all the other kindergarten classes. The lady who took our paperwork couldn't tell me when or if they would do pre-kindergarten assessments, or when or if his class list would be posted, or really anything at all. She didn't know about the special needs class, she said. And I know I should get over my own sorry self when it comes to all of this. It's really not about me. It's about what's best for him. And I know that. And I do feel this is best. But it is still hard to be the mom who has to explain to everyone, when they ask who his teacher is, or when they look a little concerned that he's running around babbling nonsense and actually going to kindergarten, that he's in the special needs class. It's hard to feel a little amazed at what the other kids are able to do at his age - and he is just ages away, it seems.
So, today we went in for his pre-assessment (we found out his teacher does do them). He did as well as I would have expected, although it is just nothing like what Abigail and Isaac were doing going into kindergarten. I try hard not to compare. But sometimes, it just slides in like a paper cut and stings all over again. His teacher seems nice, although she is just fresh out of college. I just hope everything works out. The good thing is that there are only 6 kids in his class, with the teacher and 2 aides. So that's a pretty good student-teacher ratio! I'm hoping that with the attention he receives, he will be able to work at his level and make lots of progress.
But I worry about a lot of things. A lot, a lot, a lot of things. And I don't know how to accept what is, and simultaneously work to change what can be. Or whatever. Will someone please tell me how to do this? Does anyone know? Sometimes I don't feel strong enough or courageous enough or assertive enough or like anything I am is enough to do what's required of me as the mom of this child. A new year has begun - and I'm not sure I'm up for it. The road ahead feels long. And I know, I know I'm not the only one traveling this path. And many many many are on a tougher journey than mine by far. Am I the only one struggling to come to terms with this challenge, in whatever degree of difficulty? Is it just me?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Martian Child {reposting}
Don't you hate it when you see a movie and really like it and then you go read some very critical and negative reviews of it and you can sort of agree with them, and you think maybe you're just an idiot for liking it, but you like it anyway? I hate that.
But I liked this movie anyway. Have you all seen it??
It's the story of a little boy named Dennis who has been abandoned and emotionally abused and spends all day sitting in a box, waiting for someone to adopt him - and who thinks he's from Mars. He hates the sun. He wears a weight belt to keep himself from floating away. And he likes hanging upside down, to help counteract Earth's gravity.
Then David (John Cusack), a widower, gets a call from the foster place saying that they think they have found a good fit for him. It's Dennis.
David asks the lady, "so just out of curiosity, what makes you think that I am a good match for a kid who spends all his time in a box?"
Sophie responds, "He thinks he's from another planet."
You see, because David is a science-fiction writer who understands a little bit about aliens, and outer-space, and being an outsider.
So it's sort of a story about adoption, sort about a kid with very unique needs, sort of about building a family and learning about each other, sort of about accepting differences. Not so much about Mars.
And I can relate to so much of it, it was almost painful to watch. I think we all can relate to it in some ways. But especially having a child who is different, that other people may not understand, a kid who will be in a "special class" because he won't fit in in a regular one . . . even though he doesn't think he's from Mars, sometimes we wonder, "where did you come from? what do we do now? How do we help this child learn "humanbeingness" as Dennis says he's come to earth to learn?"
We wonder that about all our children. (Another great quote from David's brother-in-law: "all kids are aliens, he's just smart enough to admit it.")
But maybe especially those who are a little different. Who have trouble making friends. Who have quirks and idiosyncrasies that may make them stand out.
I struggle desperately to understand and find the balance between helping our kids learn social skills, learn how to fit in enough to not be an alien to everyone else, and yet give them the freedom to be who they are. To feel good about who they are, even if they are not like everyone else. We want our kids to be "normal," to come down to earth and be like everyone else to some extent - I don't think any of us wants to see our kids hurting, being the loner, out on the sidelines, being so "weird" that they are teased or even bullied. There are ways to teach kids that some things are considered "acceptable," manners etc, and some things are not. But then, as Dennis asks David as they are getting ready for his first day at a new school, "is it good to be like everyone else?" And he quickly learns that he should "pretend not to be from Mars" so that the experts will see "progress" and let them stay together. We do want them to be themselves, too. As David's friend says, "there's nothing wrong with being a little eccentric."
How do you find the balance??? It makes my head spin and my heart ache.
I wish I could figure it out.
The best quote, though, is from the final scene:
"Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human. For some reason Dennis and I reached out into the universe and found each other, Never really know how or why. And discovered that I can love an alien and he can love a creature. And that's weird enough for both of us."
So true, so true.
But I liked this movie anyway. Have you all seen it??
It's the story of a little boy named Dennis who has been abandoned and emotionally abused and spends all day sitting in a box, waiting for someone to adopt him - and who thinks he's from Mars. He hates the sun. He wears a weight belt to keep himself from floating away. And he likes hanging upside down, to help counteract Earth's gravity.
Then David (John Cusack), a widower, gets a call from the foster place saying that they think they have found a good fit for him. It's Dennis.
David asks the lady, "so just out of curiosity, what makes you think that I am a good match for a kid who spends all his time in a box?"
Sophie responds, "He thinks he's from another planet."
You see, because David is a science-fiction writer who understands a little bit about aliens, and outer-space, and being an outsider.
So it's sort of a story about adoption, sort about a kid with very unique needs, sort of about building a family and learning about each other, sort of about accepting differences. Not so much about Mars.
And I can relate to so much of it, it was almost painful to watch. I think we all can relate to it in some ways. But especially having a child who is different, that other people may not understand, a kid who will be in a "special class" because he won't fit in in a regular one . . . even though he doesn't think he's from Mars, sometimes we wonder, "where did you come from? what do we do now? How do we help this child learn "humanbeingness" as Dennis says he's come to earth to learn?"
We wonder that about all our children. (Another great quote from David's brother-in-law: "all kids are aliens, he's just smart enough to admit it.")
But maybe especially those who are a little different. Who have trouble making friends. Who have quirks and idiosyncrasies that may make them stand out.
I struggle desperately to understand and find the balance between helping our kids learn social skills, learn how to fit in enough to not be an alien to everyone else, and yet give them the freedom to be who they are. To feel good about who they are, even if they are not like everyone else. We want our kids to be "normal," to come down to earth and be like everyone else to some extent - I don't think any of us wants to see our kids hurting, being the loner, out on the sidelines, being so "weird" that they are teased or even bullied. There are ways to teach kids that some things are considered "acceptable," manners etc, and some things are not. But then, as Dennis asks David as they are getting ready for his first day at a new school, "is it good to be like everyone else?" And he quickly learns that he should "pretend not to be from Mars" so that the experts will see "progress" and let them stay together. We do want them to be themselves, too. As David's friend says, "there's nothing wrong with being a little eccentric."
How do you find the balance??? It makes my head spin and my heart ache.
I wish I could figure it out.
The best quote, though, is from the final scene:
"Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human. For some reason Dennis and I reached out into the universe and found each other, Never really know how or why. And discovered that I can love an alien and he can love a creature. And that's weird enough for both of us."
So true, so true.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Reading Round-Up: May and June {Reposted}
I'm going to need to do this a little differently this time, as I am dreadfully behind.
Here are the books I read in May and June:
1. The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch
2. The Merchant of Venice - Shakespeare
3. The Anybodies - N.E. Bode
4. Spilling Clarence - Anne Ursu
5. Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
6. Healing ADD - Daniel Amen
7. Gilead - Marilynne Robinson
8. Called out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession - Anne Rice
9. Spilling Open - Sabrina Ward Harrison
10. The Nobodies - N.E. Bode
11. Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt - Anne Rice
12. Catalyst - Laurie Halse Anderson
13. We the Living - Ayn Rand
14. The Somebodies - N.E. Bode
15. Tourmaline - Joanna Scott
16. Fablehaven Book 4 - Brandon Mull
17. The Wednesday Sisters - Meg Waite Clayton
18. Camilla - Madeleine L'Engle
19. Every Last Cuckoo - Kate Maloy
Yeah. That's kind of a lot. Have no fear, I am not reading nearly as many this month (although I have
So, my top recommendations from the above list are:
Spilling Clarence (again, I may choose this for my bookclub pick, so don't read it yet)
Healing ADD (if such a thing is of interest to you, this is one of the best ones I've read to date) Gilead
We the Living
Camilla
Mansfield Park
And best for getting some creative juices flowing: Spilling Open
Best children's book: The Anybodies (yes, Fablehaven was good, too. But we've already discussed Fablehaven, haven't we? Whatever I said before still applies).
Best for feeling introspective: The Last Lecture
Toughest read: The Merchant of Venice (really, what has happened to my brain? I swear I had no idea what was going on for most of this book)
Biggest Surprise: Christ the Lord (and I'd recommend reading Rice's Called out of Darkness for a more in-depth look at how she went from writing vampire stories, to writing historical fiction about the life of Christ).
And that's about it for now. Just because one of the books I read didn't make any of my "bests" lists, doesn't mean they weren't good, I just can't think anymore. If I had more time, I would tell you what I liked and disliked about each of them. But you can go to my Goodreads page if you want any more reviews, my friends. :)
So, whatcha readin' this summer? Do you think summer is a better time to tackle some longer and more difficult reads or do you stick to lighter beach reads or just read what you normally read? Or do you take a break from all things requiring mental effort and veg out as much as possible?
And really, do you think I read too much? Maybe? heheheh, catch me if you can . . . :)
Here are the books I read in May and June:
1. The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch
2. The Merchant of Venice - Shakespeare
3. The Anybodies - N.E. Bode
4. Spilling Clarence - Anne Ursu
5. Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
6. Healing ADD - Daniel Amen
7. Gilead - Marilynne Robinson
8. Called out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession - Anne Rice
9. Spilling Open - Sabrina Ward Harrison
10. The Nobodies - N.E. Bode
11. Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt - Anne Rice
12. Catalyst - Laurie Halse Anderson
13. We the Living - Ayn Rand
14. The Somebodies - N.E. Bode
15. Tourmaline - Joanna Scott
16. Fablehaven Book 4 - Brandon Mull
17. The Wednesday Sisters - Meg Waite Clayton
18. Camilla - Madeleine L'Engle
19. Every Last Cuckoo - Kate Maloy
Yeah. That's kind of a lot. Have no fear, I am not reading nearly as many this month (although I have
So, my top recommendations from the above list are:
Spilling Clarence (again, I may choose this for my bookclub pick, so don't read it yet)
Healing ADD (if such a thing is of interest to you, this is one of the best ones I've read to date) Gilead
We the Living
Camilla
Mansfield Park
And best for getting some creative juices flowing: Spilling Open
Best children's book: The Anybodies (yes, Fablehaven was good, too. But we've already discussed Fablehaven, haven't we? Whatever I said before still applies).
Best for feeling introspective: The Last Lecture
Toughest read: The Merchant of Venice (really, what has happened to my brain? I swear I had no idea what was going on for most of this book)
Biggest Surprise: Christ the Lord (and I'd recommend reading Rice's Called out of Darkness for a more in-depth look at how she went from writing vampire stories, to writing historical fiction about the life of Christ).
And that's about it for now. Just because one of the books I read didn't make any of my "bests" lists, doesn't mean they weren't good, I just can't think anymore. If I had more time, I would tell you what I liked and disliked about each of them. But you can go to my Goodreads page if you want any more reviews, my friends. :)
So, whatcha readin' this summer? Do you think summer is a better time to tackle some longer and more difficult reads or do you stick to lighter beach reads or just read what you normally read? Or do you take a break from all things requiring mental effort and veg out as much as possible?
And really, do you think I read too much? Maybe? heheheh, catch me if you can . . . :)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
can you blame me? {reposted}
Isaac stayed home sick today, which always throws off my routine a bit. Can't really go out for my walk . . . and Zac accidentally brought both sets of keys with him to work, so I couldn't have taken the little ones to the Children's Garden as I had thought I might. And so instead of doing the million things I should have been doing this morning, I spent (wasted) too much time browsing house listings in a particular place on the east coast, with houses like this:
Can I even tell you what happens to me when I see places like this??
I think it started with our trip to SC and my heart fluttered as we drove down highways lined with green, green trees . . . trees so thick that you can't see any of the houses or stores from the road. And then several neighbors and friends are moving and I feel sharp pangs of jealousy - not because of where or why they are moving, but merely because they get to. That's not right, is it?
And then my brother and his wife are moving to a different state, too.
Those who know me well know that I have been longing to move somewhere greener for at least a few years now. I get the urge to look and dream, and then I give up and resign myself to staying. And I know, I know, I should be happy where I am, bloom where I'm planted, etc etc. But for 7 years, Seven Years, I have struggled to "bloom" here and I just can't help but think maybe I am a plant that needs more rain. Literally. Does anyone but me feel like they are truly happier in different climates, locations, environments? Is this just crazy??
Anyway - I know that we do live in great neighborhood. I feel like I do have some friends, although it has taken me 7 years to feel that way. Our house is comfortable. Zac's job is hard to beat. Schools are good. We are happy.
Don't get me wrong, we are happy.
Really.
But I just think that if merely looking at houses with yards filled with trees on half-acre lots brings me to tears and makes me miss it so badly that my insides hurt - there must be something to that, isn't there? I know that the grass always seem greener on the other side - but, really and truly, the world is a greener place in other places and I just want to be there instead of here. Is that wrong?
So anyway - just wanted to purge my thoughts on that matter. Pay me no attention. We have no definite plans of moving anytime soon, believe me (just don't ask me how I feel about that).
In other news, we've been working on some things with Elisabeth. First, getting her to go to sleep without us staying in her room with her. I know some of you are just tsk-tsk-ing for getting into such an abominable habit in the first place. But, oh well. We are now at the point where one of us sits outside her door and reassures her that we are there and then she'll to sleep. Pretty soon, I think, we will progress from that step, as well. We are also working on potty-training, sort of. If I leave her behind naked, then she is likely to remember and go potty by herself. But if she is weaing anything, diaper, pull-up, underwear, then it's like she's never used the potty before in her life. Why she doesn't seem to "get it" is beyond me. And, as I cannot let her stay naked all the time, it's a bit frustrating. But with the temps reaching high-80's today, I have her in a sundress with nothing underneath so that at least when she's playing outside, maybe no one will notice that she has a naked bum.
And, PS, thanks for all your responses to my previous questions. You all get 10 bonus points for participating!! yippee! (although I must admit I was just a tad disappointed that no one said they would just follow their intuition and move someplace else where they think they'd be happier - but what you did say was all too true. I know, I know. sigh.)
and back yards like this:
priced far more reasonably than comparable homes where I now live. (pictures taken from actual house listings)
Can you really blame me??
Can I even tell you what happens to me when I see places like this??
I think it started with our trip to SC and my heart fluttered as we drove down highways lined with green, green trees . . . trees so thick that you can't see any of the houses or stores from the road. And then several neighbors and friends are moving and I feel sharp pangs of jealousy - not because of where or why they are moving, but merely because they get to. That's not right, is it?
And then my brother and his wife are moving to a different state, too.
Those who know me well know that I have been longing to move somewhere greener for at least a few years now. I get the urge to look and dream, and then I give up and resign myself to staying. And I know, I know, I should be happy where I am, bloom where I'm planted, etc etc. But for 7 years, Seven Years, I have struggled to "bloom" here and I just can't help but think maybe I am a plant that needs more rain. Literally. Does anyone but me feel like they are truly happier in different climates, locations, environments? Is this just crazy??
Anyway - I know that we do live in great neighborhood. I feel like I do have some friends, although it has taken me 7 years to feel that way. Our house is comfortable. Zac's job is hard to beat. Schools are good. We are happy.
Don't get me wrong, we are happy.
Really.
But I just think that if merely looking at houses with yards filled with trees on half-acre lots brings me to tears and makes me miss it so badly that my insides hurt - there must be something to that, isn't there? I know that the grass always seem greener on the other side - but, really and truly, the world is a greener place in other places and I just want to be there instead of here. Is that wrong?
So anyway - just wanted to purge my thoughts on that matter. Pay me no attention. We have no definite plans of moving anytime soon, believe me (just don't ask me how I feel about that).
In other news, we've been working on some things with Elisabeth. First, getting her to go to sleep without us staying in her room with her. I know some of you are just tsk-tsk-ing for getting into such an abominable habit in the first place. But, oh well. We are now at the point where one of us sits outside her door and reassures her that we are there and then she'll to sleep. Pretty soon, I think, we will progress from that step, as well. We are also working on potty-training, sort of. If I leave her behind naked, then she is likely to remember and go potty by herself. But if she is weaing anything, diaper, pull-up, underwear, then it's like she's never used the potty before in her life. Why she doesn't seem to "get it" is beyond me. And, as I cannot let her stay naked all the time, it's a bit frustrating. But with the temps reaching high-80's today, I have her in a sundress with nothing underneath so that at least when she's playing outside, maybe no one will notice that she has a naked bum.
And, PS, thanks for all your responses to my previous questions. You all get 10 bonus points for participating!! yippee! (although I must admit I was just a tad disappointed that no one said they would just follow their intuition and move someplace else where they think they'd be happier - but what you did say was all too true. I know, I know. sigh.)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
100 Things About Me {REPOSTED}
(Originally posted March 20, 2008)
Well, in honor of reaching our 100th post, I will now share with you a 100 Things About Me List (some of these might be in my 33 Bday list, but there'll still be at least 67 new things for you). Yippee!
1. I lived my whole life in Virginia (except for college, mission, and married life)
2. I'm the 2nd of 5 kids (1 brother, 3 sisters)
3. I like whales and dolphins
4. I love lemon flavored things (and scents)
5. Also lavender
6. I lived in Southern Germany for 18 mos. as a Mormon missionary
7. my major was Therapeutic Recreation (mostly for little kids with disabilities)- but sometimes I wish maybe I had done something else
8. I read a lot
9. I've played violin (on and off) since I was 5
10. I took piano lessons for 1 year (and don't remember anything except chopsticks - and I didn't learn that in my lessons)
11. I have 4 terrific kids (2 boys, 2 girls)
12. And the best husband in the world
13. I've been told I have a very unique (and loud) laugh
14. sometimes I write poetry - but I very rarely share it with anyone
15. I need 10 hrs of sleep at night (and never ever get it)
16. I don't wear make-up, or paint my nails, or even "do" my hair
17. I love rain (and it hardly ever rains here - so sad)
18. And I really really love trees
19. I like the ocean and beaches (but not necessarily swimming in it or getting sunburned)
20. My favorite season is Autumn (if there are enough trees around)
21. I've written in over 50 journals
22. I really miss the bakeries in Germany - yummy bread is one of my favorites foods
23. I've rappelled of an 80 ft. cliff
24. and been white-water rafting
25. and whale-watching off the coast of Mass.
26. I usually like to camp (as long as all the kids are sleeping through the night)
27. I advocate breastfeeding as long as you can or want
28. I've had 3 babies without medications
29. I like listening to oldies
30. and classical music
31. and I used to be a big "alternative rock" fan (sometimes I go back on memory lane and listen to it again - and sometimes I'm shocked by what I used to listen to)
32. I go back and forth between long and short hair
33. I went to lots of fun rock concerts as a teenager
34. I took ballet for many years as a child and have taken classes as an adult, too
35. I love the feeling of a plane taking off
36. my favorite color is sage green (for now)
37. I pretty much hate shopping - it's discouraging
38. I swam on a community swim team from age 9-14
39. My best stroke was breaststroke
40. I still have all my ribbons and medals
41. I like to save everything
42. I had my tonsils taken out at age 14
43. that was after I got mono and had an abcessed tonsil
44. that all happened in one summer
45. the worst summer of my life
46. I shattered my elbow when I crashed on my bike in 7th grade
47. I've also broken my arm falling off a chair (4th grade)
48. and got stitches in my head after jumping up and hitting an open cabinet door (in 3rd grade)
49. I tend to be clumsy and accident prone sometimes
50. I really liked to dance as a teenager and young adult (church dances, school dances, clubs etc)
51. I met a guy at a club once and went on a date with him later - I've never been so scared on a date. But he really was harmless.
52. Ok - change that. The most scared I was on a date was when I went spelunking in the Nutty Putty Caves with a guy I had just met in my Physical Science class in college.
53. But maybe that was because I'm a bit claustrophobic and it was very tight and very dark and I was not having fun.
54. I never saw that guy again.
55. And have never gone caving again either.
56. I think I have a lot of interesting dating stories
57. And I am so grateful to have found the love of my life
58. and to be married so I don't have to date weird guys anymore
59. and I really really pray I won't be single again in my lifetime (for any reason)
60. I've driven cross-country between Va and Ut several times
61. Maine is one of the most beautiful states I've visited
62. I'd like to see the Northern Lights someday
63. one of my favorite CD's in recent years is Niamh Parsons - (beautiful irish songs)
64. I took German in high school -and did very poorly
65. I took 4 semesters of American Sign Language in college - and did very well
66. But then I was called to Germany for my mission and had to relearn German
67. And I forgot almost all of my ASL
68. Now I've forgotten almost all my German, too
69. I had my gall bladder taken out a couple years ago
70. I love to roller-skate
71. and I'm an 80's music fan
72. I don't watch very much TV
73. except sometimes lately when I have a lot of laundry to fold
74. I've run in 5K races twice
75. and would like to again someday
76. But I mostly walk for exercise these days
77. sometimes I wish I could be more crafty - because I am really not
78. I have mild asthma
79. I'm much better at writing than talking
80. I say "I don't know" an awful lot when I don't know what else to say. People have told me I say it way too much. But, well, I don't know.
81. I've also been told I give people "looks", but I really don't mean to
82. I'm a terrible liar - and can't hide my feelings even when I want to
83. I really like foods flavored with vinegar and/or dill - yumm!
84. While in Germany, I developed a strange affection for (live) snails. They really are disgusting, but I find myself fascinated by them - repulsed and attracted all at once.
85. When I was very little, I wanted to be a school bus driver. I just thought I'd do such a good job.
86. I'm lefthanded - and sort of proud of that fact
87. sometimes I lose my train of thought in the middle of speaking and I don't know how to say what I was saying
88. That's embarassing. And I'm easily embarassed.
89. I want to go on a hot air balloon ride someday
90. And swim with dolphins
91. I want to collect all my favorite books and have a great home library
92. I really don't like math
93. I've never had a "real" job
94. But I'm happy to have the job of Stay-At-Home-Mom for as long as I can
95. I have occasional struggles with anxiety and depression issues (but don't usually talk about it much)
96. My 2nd toe is longer than any of the others
97. I like taking pictures and would like to learn to do it better
98. I tore my hamstring really bad once trying to do a ridiculously difficult ballet stretch - many years after I stopped taking ballet
99. I like to have "a plan" or nothing really gets done
100. And I really like lists.
Wow, that was long. Now you know more than you ever wanted to! Aren't you glad.
Well, in honor of reaching our 100th post, I will now share with you a 100 Things About Me List (some of these might be in my 33 Bday list, but there'll still be at least 67 new things for you). Yippee!
1. I lived my whole life in Virginia (except for college, mission, and married life)
2. I'm the 2nd of 5 kids (1 brother, 3 sisters)
3. I like whales and dolphins
4. I love lemon flavored things (and scents)
5. Also lavender
6. I lived in Southern Germany for 18 mos. as a Mormon missionary
7. my major was Therapeutic Recreation (mostly for little kids with disabilities)- but sometimes I wish maybe I had done something else
8. I read a lot
9. I've played violin (on and off) since I was 5
10. I took piano lessons for 1 year (and don't remember anything except chopsticks - and I didn't learn that in my lessons)
11. I have 4 terrific kids (2 boys, 2 girls)
12. And the best husband in the world
13. I've been told I have a very unique (and loud) laugh
14. sometimes I write poetry - but I very rarely share it with anyone
15. I need 10 hrs of sleep at night (and never ever get it)
16. I don't wear make-up, or paint my nails, or even "do" my hair
17. I love rain (and it hardly ever rains here - so sad)
18. And I really really love trees
19. I like the ocean and beaches (but not necessarily swimming in it or getting sunburned)
20. My favorite season is Autumn (if there are enough trees around)
21. I've written in over 50 journals
22. I really miss the bakeries in Germany - yummy bread is one of my favorites foods
23. I've rappelled of an 80 ft. cliff
24. and been white-water rafting
25. and whale-watching off the coast of Mass.
26. I usually like to camp (as long as all the kids are sleeping through the night)
27. I advocate breastfeeding as long as you can or want
28. I've had 3 babies without medications
29. I like listening to oldies
30. and classical music
31. and I used to be a big "alternative rock" fan (sometimes I go back on memory lane and listen to it again - and sometimes I'm shocked by what I used to listen to)
32. I go back and forth between long and short hair
33. I went to lots of fun rock concerts as a teenager
34. I took ballet for many years as a child and have taken classes as an adult, too
35. I love the feeling of a plane taking off
36. my favorite color is sage green (for now)
37. I pretty much hate shopping - it's discouraging
38. I swam on a community swim team from age 9-14
39. My best stroke was breaststroke
40. I still have all my ribbons and medals
41. I like to save everything
42. I had my tonsils taken out at age 14
43. that was after I got mono and had an abcessed tonsil
44. that all happened in one summer
45. the worst summer of my life
46. I shattered my elbow when I crashed on my bike in 7th grade
47. I've also broken my arm falling off a chair (4th grade)
48. and got stitches in my head after jumping up and hitting an open cabinet door (in 3rd grade)
49. I tend to be clumsy and accident prone sometimes
50. I really liked to dance as a teenager and young adult (church dances, school dances, clubs etc)
51. I met a guy at a club once and went on a date with him later - I've never been so scared on a date. But he really was harmless.
52. Ok - change that. The most scared I was on a date was when I went spelunking in the Nutty Putty Caves with a guy I had just met in my Physical Science class in college.
53. But maybe that was because I'm a bit claustrophobic and it was very tight and very dark and I was not having fun.
54. I never saw that guy again.
55. And have never gone caving again either.
56. I think I have a lot of interesting dating stories
57. And I am so grateful to have found the love of my life
58. and to be married so I don't have to date weird guys anymore
59. and I really really pray I won't be single again in my lifetime (for any reason)
60. I've driven cross-country between Va and Ut several times
61. Maine is one of the most beautiful states I've visited
62. I'd like to see the Northern Lights someday
63. one of my favorite CD's in recent years is Niamh Parsons - (beautiful irish songs)
64. I took German in high school -and did very poorly
65. I took 4 semesters of American Sign Language in college - and did very well
66. But then I was called to Germany for my mission and had to relearn German
67. And I forgot almost all of my ASL
68. Now I've forgotten almost all my German, too
69. I had my gall bladder taken out a couple years ago
70. I love to roller-skate
71. and I'm an 80's music fan
72. I don't watch very much TV
73. except sometimes lately when I have a lot of laundry to fold
74. I've run in 5K races twice
75. and would like to again someday
76. But I mostly walk for exercise these days
77. sometimes I wish I could be more crafty - because I am really not
78. I have mild asthma
79. I'm much better at writing than talking
80. I say "I don't know" an awful lot when I don't know what else to say. People have told me I say it way too much. But, well, I don't know.
81. I've also been told I give people "looks", but I really don't mean to
82. I'm a terrible liar - and can't hide my feelings even when I want to
83. I really like foods flavored with vinegar and/or dill - yumm!
84. While in Germany, I developed a strange affection for (live) snails. They really are disgusting, but I find myself fascinated by them - repulsed and attracted all at once.
85. When I was very little, I wanted to be a school bus driver. I just thought I'd do such a good job.
86. I'm lefthanded - and sort of proud of that fact
87. sometimes I lose my train of thought in the middle of speaking and I don't know how to say what I was saying
88. That's embarassing. And I'm easily embarassed.
89. I want to go on a hot air balloon ride someday
90. And swim with dolphins
91. I want to collect all my favorite books and have a great home library
92. I really don't like math
93. I've never had a "real" job
94. But I'm happy to have the job of Stay-At-Home-Mom for as long as I can
95. I have occasional struggles with anxiety and depression issues (but don't usually talk about it much)
96. My 2nd toe is longer than any of the others
97. I like taking pictures and would like to learn to do it better
98. I tore my hamstring really bad once trying to do a ridiculously difficult ballet stretch - many years after I stopped taking ballet
99. I like to have "a plan" or nothing really gets done
100. And I really like lists.
Wow, that was long. Now you know more than you ever wanted to! Aren't you glad.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Thoughts on Weaning
{originally posted Jan 13 2008 REPOSTING in honor of World Breastfeeding Week}
It's been 3 days now since I last nursed Elisabeth. We were down to pretty much one nursing in the morning. Zac has been going in to her at night ever since New Year's weekend, so she was used to not nursing at night. But she wakes up way too early (sometime betweeen 5:30 and 6:30) and Zac is getting ready for work at that time so I had to get her. And she wouldn't go back to sleep without nursing. Couldn't let her cry because then EVERYONE would be up TOO EARLY. So anyway, that's the hardest time. I pretty much have to bring her out to the kitchen and feed her breakfast to appease her. But, man, that's too early. And I don't really consider her "fully weaned" until she stops asking for it. So we're not exactly there yet.
But I've just been thinking a lot about nursing, weaning and what it all means to me as a mother. I recognize that I nurse longer than most people would ever consider. She will be 21 mos. this week. That puts her in the middle range of when I've weaned my kids (Abigail was 14 mos, Isaac 23 mos. and Samuel 18 mos.) So I've been through people being all astonished and feeling like an outcast. I've gotten over that. I just don't care anymore. But why do I nurse for so long?
I guess I just look at breastfeeding as a lot more than just food. I read a book that refers to it as a "nursing relationship" and calls the baby/toddler a "nursling". I really like that term (reminds me of a fuzzy little yellow duckling). So it's more than how I feed my baby, it's how I nourish and nurture. It's a reciprocal relationship, part of how we communicate and connect. And weaning (according to Dr. Sears) meant "to ripen" in ancient writings. So I think of it as a gradual process that happens in it's own time. A ripening from one stage to another. A relationship that becomes sweeter and more precious as it ripens. So I've never had a set time or age to wean. I try to wait until the child and I are both more ready.
I have heard some criticism that a baby "couldn't be getting much milk" and so must be nursing for emotional reasons only. Or that "if they're old enough to ask for it, then they're too old." Or that the baby is "using me for a pacifier." According to The Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning by Kathleen Huggins, both the nutrients and the immunological components of breastmilk actually increase in concentration when you nurse over a year. So whatever she is getting is still beneficial. And I have to ask why her emotional needs should matter less than her nutritional needs anyway? And then, as far as being able to communicate clearly what she wants, I can only say that I am grateful not to be cried at all the time (at least she can tell me something she wants).
So, there are my thoughts. I know most people will still think I'm crazy. And that's really ok. I have loved the time I've had with each of my little "nurslings." And I can't be too sad that this time has come to an end. I think in the past I have sometimes fought the change of the seasons. I'm never ready for summer heat, fall is too short, winter's too long. But I am trying lately to accept it for what it is. I can't change the inevitable. So here we are. It's time to wean. Ripening into a new season.
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