when it rains . . .

Funny how things just start falling apart sometimes.  Like we think we have things under control, but one thing after another just starts unraveling. 

Over the last 3 days, Zac and I returned from his business trip.  Then Samuel broke the neighbor's window hitting rocks with his baseball bat.  Then I was up til 2 in the morning with those awful painful esophageal spasms I get periodically (I might need to actually see a Dr for those again sometime - they are torture!).  Then the toilet in our master bath broke.  Then that night I got sick with some sort of terrible stomach virus.  I didn't get any sleep until about 5 am and had several moments when I considered having Zac take me to the ER just to give me something to make it stop.  I was talking in nonsensical gibberish syllables as I tried to just endure through each painful episode, which I've never experienced, so it was just bad.

Still sick today, but no more vomiting so that's good.  Zac installed the new toilet but the water pipe/tube thing is too short so we still don't have a toilet.  Zac also got sick (but not quite as bad).  And I was just thinking today how my tolerance for other illness-ailments-distress-pain (physical and emotional) has just become this very thin line since I have been dealing with the chronic face pain.  Everything feels worse.  I suppose that's understandable but it just makes everything hard, you know? Puking is terrible.  Puking with constant shooting pains across your face is almost unbearable.  Feeling lonely is bad.  Feeling lonely or rejected when pain has worn me down to tears already is just too much.  I think Zac is also treading a very thin line between handling things and losing it (such as over the cost of a broken window and new toilet in one weekend).  Having constant pain to deal with (or dealing with the me who is always in pain) means we just don't have the resources to cope with a lot else.  All of our resources, mental, emotional, and physical, are just stretched so thin.

Anyway.  Rough weekend.  I just can't wait until I can eat again, and not feel dizzy, puky, shaky etc.

I guess this is really just a plea (once again and always) for your patience with us.  We are just doing the best we can. 

On the good side, I am grateful for a husband who came in our room (he wouldn't sleep next to me as I moaned and tossed and turned) but he emptied my puke bowl for me many times through the night and bought me ginger ale in the morning. 
I am also grateful that most illnesses go away, and do not, in fact, last forever even when it feels like they will.
I am grateful for people who express care and concern.
I am grateful for my mom and Chelsea and Nathan (Chelsea's new hubby) who helped watch our kids so I could go on the business trip with Zac (more on that later, perhaps).
I have much to be grateful for. 

thanks for reading . . .

oh hi blog

just curious - is there anyone reading this who isn't on my facebook or twitter?

well, just in case there is here is the update:

I am not well. Still lots of pain.

Well, sometimes I am almost well. I can appear very well. But then I almost always regret it (by having more pain) later. That really stinks.

Not much more to say, really.
I'm trying to get in with a new neurologist.

I just can't seem to get a good grasp on things. Today was particularly hard.

Things are busy. Soccer, piano, violin, running club, scouts, Nutcracker rehearsals, homework. I count myself doing pretty well just getting the kids where they need to be each day. Then I have my appointments for me and/or the kids - it seems to average about 2 a week, taking about 3 hrs out of my day each time. I have to nap every afternoon.
And that's about the sum of my life.

But, really, in reality it's not enough. Those things alone are not enough to build and maintain a successful household and family. It feels like things are just crumbling away beneath my feet.

Anyway. Ohh . . . sigh.

Let me end with one good thing: I had dinner last night with a very good friend whom I haven't seen much of for a few years (?). It was nice to be able to talk to without censure, and feel compassion and caring, listening, understanding from her. I hope I was able to offer the same in return. I really really needed that.

Cheers, friends . . .
I know I'm a scarce presence around these parts lately but . . . you're always on my mind {cue music} . . . ;)

("maybe I didn't love you . . . quite as often as I should . . . .. . . ")