Friday, June 26, 2015

A little Q & A about my brain surgery

For good or bad, I am operating under the assumption that most readers of this blog are following me on some other kind of social media and already have some idea of what's going on with us, but just in case, here's a little summary.

In May, I went for a consultation with Dr Linskey at UC Irvine Medical Center in CA. He said that he could see vascular contact with my trigeminal nerve and that I was a candidate for MVD surgery, despite being told otherwise by 2 neurosurgeons and various other Drs here in UT. Two weeks later, we made the decision to move forward with surgery and scheduled for July 21. I had a lumbar puncture to rule out MS, which was clear. And this past week I had blood work, chest xray and EKG.

We have had an online fundraiser to help with the costs and we have been overwhelmed with gratitude for the generosity of so many friends and family. It's been amazing. We have to arrive in CA for pre op appts 2 days before surgery. Then the neurosurgeon requires that we stay in the area, not more than 20-30 min away from the hospital, for 14-15 days post op in case of complications and to have follow up visits. This means we will be in CA for about 2 1/2 weeks total. Then we will probably need to travel again to CA for follow ups at 3 months, 6 months, a year and possibly every year thereafter (I'm not positive on that.) So, there are a lot of costs. We are thankful to have insurance though, which means we will only have to meet the $7000 out of pocket maximum. For a surgery that runs close to $150,000 in total cost, this is a huge blessing.

Anyway, I've had a lot of people ask me questions and I imagine a lot of questions are being thought but unasked, so I thought I'd address most of the ones I can think of in a blog post. Hopefully this covers most everything.

1. What is an MVD? What will they do?

MVD stands for microvascular decompression. The neuralgia is being caused by blood vessels compressing, rubbing, or pressing on the cranial nerves (in my case he will look at 4 cranial nerves, #5, 7, 9 and 10). The surgery will remove a small section of skull behind my ear, they go in and look at the nerves near where they are exiting the brain stem and remove any blood vessels away from the nerves. They pad the arteries from the nerves with teflon padding. The veins are cut away and cauterized. They then replace the piece of skull with "bone cement" and stitch everything back up.

2. Why do you need an MVD? Aren't there less invasive surgeries or treatments for trigeminal neuralgia?

TN is a progressive disease. The longer the blood vessels rub against the nerves, the more damage is done over time. Because of this, experts in TN say that MVD's are most effective if done in the first 7 years since onset of symptoms. I'm already 4 years in. I have tried over 30 medications, and also done other procedures which haven't helped. There are less invasive surgeries but they work by damaging the nerve to prevent it from sending pain signals. They do not remove the cause of the pain, the blood vessels. And so the nerve heals itself over time and symptoms are likely to recur. Plus I had other neurosurgeons tell me I wasn't a candidate for any of those surgeries anyway. Then after you damage the nerve in these surgeries, if you then decide to try an MVD later, it is less likely to be successful due to all the additional damage done to the nerve. If there are compressions on the nerve, an MVD is the only procedure that removes the cause of the pain.

3. Will you be pain free after this surgery? Will you be fixed, all better?

This is the clincher. Even though MVD removes the vessels from compressing the nerve, it is still not always successful. It is very individual. Sometimes the nerve just doesn't heal well from all of the damage from the compression. Sometimes there are complications which make things even worse after the surgery. Sometimes the veins that were cut (if there were any) grow back and the pain returns. Sometimes the teflon shifts and the artery comes in contact with the nerve again. I don't even know all what might happen. It just doesn't always work. There are also 2 types of pain with TN: the episodic shocks of pain, and the constant aching pain. Not everyone has both types, but I do. The surgeon says there is an 80% chance of resolving the episodic shocks. But only a 50% chance of a 50% reduction in the constant pain. And then, in my case, I also have the chronic migraines, and he doesn't think they are related to the TN and surgery is not likely to have any effect on them. So. Even best case scenario with these chances of success, I will not be pain free. Almost guaranteed. And worse case scenario is just too scary to think about right now.... But that is the reality we are faced with. 

4. So why are you even doing this risky, complicated brain surgery with an open craniotomy and the chance of complications, and a definite long recovery if you don't even know if it will work?

The million dollar question. The simplest answer I come back to again and again when I ask myself this question is this:
I don't know what else to do.
I have to try.
I don't know what else to do.
Because I can't keep going with no help.
I have to try.
Because I'll never know unless I do.

Also I remind myself that TN is a progressive disorder and will only get worse over time. I have a 7 yr window where the likliehood of success of this procedure is the best, so if I'm ever going to do it, now seems like a better time than just waiting. It just seems to be a step that I need to do, even if it only results in a reduction in some of my pain. Who knows how that might be for me? There is no way to know. It may not be any better for me, in terms of functionality or outlook, but it might help.... 

Also I feel like I should add that we have fasted and prayed a lot about this decision and, although I have not yet received the positive confirmation in the way *I would have liked*, my strongest impression is that this is a necessary step. I don't know for sure that this will be successful for me, but I just know it's something I need to do. So we move forward, step by step, taking one piece at a time, in the way that feels right. It's all we can do. 

5. What is the recovery like?

Full recovery takes 12-18 months. I will have activity restrictions until I get cleared at 1 year. They don't want you to risk hitting your head or anything like that. Other than that, it depends on how the recovery goes, but it is definitely a long painful road of recovery. Dizziness, headaches, and nausea are very common for weeks. Most people say it takes at least a couple months before they are able to do very much. If there are complications, then of course recovery is even more . . . complicated. Numbness in the face and scalp is common. Sometimes there is some paralysis as the nerve heals. Recovery and possible complications are scary. Mostly because it's just so unknown. It's kind of like childbirth, you can hear all the stories, the good, the bad, the dreamy ones, the nightmare ones, but when it comes down to it, you really have no idea - AT ALL - what it will be like for you. You just have to do it. I am equally freaked out by the really easy recoveries I hear some people have, as I am the scary stories I hear about the really hard parts. Because guess what?! None of them is me. I would rather know everything I can and be prepared for the worst. But that's just me.

6. Why do you have to go to CA for this? Aren't there surgeons who do it in UT?

There are surgeons who perform this in UT, but from my own experience and from what I've heard, most will only do it on patients who only have the stabbing shock type of pain and who have clear compressions visible on MRI (Drs here said I didn't have compressions, even though Dr L said he could see them) - at any rate, I was not deemed a candidate for surgery. Also, although Dr L was very adamant in reminding us that he is not the only surgeon qualified to do this, he did give us some qualifications we should look for in a surgeon to do this. A few that stand out to me are that they should be members of the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association (there aren't any in UT), they should have been trained directly under Dr Janetta who pioneered the procedure (none in UT), and they should perform at least 5 MVD's a year, which is hard to find (he does about 50). He even said himself that he doesn't know any surgeons who meet this criteria in UT. So, if I would have to travel anyway to find a highly qualified neurosurgeon, I figure I might as well travel to one that I know is one of the top experts in the field of TN, and who has performed this surgery on other people I know personally. 

7.  So how do you feel about all this? Are you excited, nervous, freaked out?

Here's the thing. When the words Trigeminal Neuralgia were first brought up to me in Aug of 2011, I started researching whatever I could find. I quickly bought the book Striking Back, which is published by the National Facial Pain Association and is kind of considered the TN bible. I read about all the common medication treatments and available surgeries and treatments. I think I have always known that if MVD were a possibility for me, I would do it. But I had 2 neurosurgeons and 3 neurologists tell me I wasn't a candidate for any surgery. I gave up on it. It was over a year ago that I started hearing about Dr Linskey, other people's good experiences with him. I knew he was on the board of the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association and that he helped some patients who weren't helped by anyone else. And at one time, over a year ago, I actually had someone offer to help pay for the costs to get me to CA to see him. So I thought about it a lot then. We had different insurance then that didn't cover any out of state Drs, so it wasn't really a possibility. Then I had a year of breast issues that culminated in surgery this year (still having some pain from that surgery), which took precedence over looking into this further. But then we were able to change insurances April 1 this year. The person who had offered help was no longer in a position to do so, but it was his offer that had started the process of thinking through what I might do, if given the opportunity.
So, here I am.
I am scared, nervous and unsure if I am doing the right thing. It's hard for me to talk about. There are so many components. Getting through the surgery itself (lots of risks), possible post op complications, dealing with a normal recovery, wondering if it will work, and how soon I will know if it worked, worrying about leaving my kids in the care of someone else for nearly 3 weeks, worrying about how much they might be worrying about me and this surgery, all of the logistics: making sure the kids have ways to get where they need to be, needs taken care of, travel and lodging for me and Zac, Zac working while we are staying there, financial concerns, longer term post op worries, worrying about letting people down (even though I know I shouldn't, it's still there), people who have contributed to our fundraiser to help make this even possible, wanting this to be a successful, miraculous story, wanting or wishing to be "inspirational" - whatever that means - I feel a lot of pressure in it all, but just feeling too much like I am a failure in all of it, not knowing if I am strong enough to handle any of this, and do I have enough faith or any at all. So much of it I can't sort out in my head, and I don't have the answers or know even where to start. I don't even know if all of that begins to scratch the surface. But that is some of what goes through my head when someone asks how I feel.

Well, this post has probably gone on far too long anyway. But I hope this answers some of the questions some of you might have. Feel free to ask anything else you'd like and I will try my best to answer. Words of encouragement, love and support as well as prayers and good thoughts are always always welcome. Thank you again for reading and being there for me through all of this.
And a HUGE thank you to everyone that has helped out with financial contributions. Every little bit helps in relieving some of the burden and we are so grateful. Thank you.

Some pictures and illustrations: 

This is what the incision will look like:

Which will heal to be barely visible once the hair grows back: 

This shows where the nerve (Orange) exits the brain stem and the artery nearby (red). That's where they will be operating: 

Another illustration of where in my head they will be operating and the pathway of the nerve as it supplies sensation to the face (that's where my facial pain is. Kind of everywhere those branches of nerve goes): 

And finally here's my "Team Kristen" TN support picture that you can use in all your social media to show your support:  :) 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

We have a fundraiser!

Just on the off chance that someone might be reading this who isn't on my social media, I wanted to share this here too. We have set up a YouCaring online fundraising account to help defer some of the cost of going to CA to see a top expert TN neurosurgeon. Ill continue to post updates there if you are interested in the details. Any amount of help we can get can alleviate some of the burden this whole thing places on our family. It's a step in the direction we feel like we should at least pursue right now. Thank you so much for all your love, support and understanding. Some of you have been reading this blog since 2007! It's been a crazy ride thus far! Thanks for being my traveling companions.:) And feel free to share this fundraiser thing far and wide. Please! Thank you!

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

NPM: Poem #7

Well, I'm feeling a bit discouraged by the lack of feedback on the last poems I've posted, so I probably won't continue this little project. I'm not in a good enough head space to post my silly poems and not get any response, as dumb as that might be. Which I probably should have already known and anticipated before I even started, which would have reminded me that this wasn't a good idea for me right now to do this. But yeah, I guess I didn't. 
But anyway here's one more, at least. Semi recent. Written from bed on a bad day. 

ticking by 
and here I am 
still here
still here 
going by 
and here I am 
still here 
still here 
I haven't moved 
barely breathed 
still here
still this 
It never leaves 
Here I am 
breathe in 
breathe out 
breathe in 
It's all I do
My life 
passing by 
I watch it go 
and here I am
still here 
still here 
still here 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

National Poetry Month: poem #6

This is one of my all time favorites. It comes to mind often. I guess I have struggles in keeping perspective... ;) 

Walking Backwards 
by Kristen 

retracing every step
slowly, slowly
I know I left it here
where did I have it
going back in time
trying to remember
just where it is
I left it.
Stumbling slowly
walking backwards
searching in every place, every corner
trying to find, discover
where it is that
I lost

Saturday, April 4, 2015

National Poetry Month: Poem #5 Easter

On Easter Sunday, I thought I'd share this poem with you. It's inspired by the bible story of The Prodigal Son, which is a story of returning Home, turning away from sin and being welcomed again with open arms. And that, to me, is the story of Easter. That because of Jesus Christ and what He did for us, we can return home again. We can be forgiven for any wrong we have done. We can be healed. We are always loved and always welcomed to our Father's arms. This is what I believe. Happy Easter. 

by Kristen 

when you come, I will
put on the bandages
and I will bring you soup
in bed and I won't ask
you where you've been and
how you've become so
worn and wounded
Just come home and I will
help you heal
Come to me and I will love

National Poetry Month: Poems #2, #3, #4

How about some more poems for National Poetry Month? I think I'm going to shoot for 30 poems this month - we'll see! 

 I've been miserable with a combination of a possible cold and allergies this past week so these 3 seem apropos. I guess my allergies were a recurring theme in my poetry.;) 

(Also I can't decide if I want to divulge when I wrote stuff. I don't know if I want people to speculate too much about what I was writing about, so I'm thinking maybe I'll just keep the dates to myself. Leave you guessing. Maybe it will be obvious which ones are more recent, as I hope maybe I've matured a little bit since middle school. But maybe not. Hahaha). 

Hope you enjoy these! 

Self-Esteem During Allergy Season 

By Kristen 

it's more than make-up
and hairstyle and shoes
it's more than confidence
and clothes
It's hard to feel good
about what I possess
when it's all dripping
out of my nose.

DRIP (Lamentation of a Sneezer)

By Kristen 

Don't you sometimes
want to let your
nose just drip
and drip
without even trying to sniffle it
or catch it
with a well-worn, well-used
crumpled, torn and disgusting
Don't you sometimes
want to let it
when no one else it around
(after all,
who's to know?)
when your nose is red
and raw
and sore
and it feels like it's going to
at any minute
oh, how much better it would
be to let it drip
than to go through the
of wiping it.

by Kristen 

Just call me sneezy
and I’ll share my life with you
I sneeze and wheeze and sniffle and cough
the whole entire day through
Just give me a bunch of tissues
and I’ll give you a thought to think
I promise you I’ll use them up
before you have time to wink
“Bless you!” “Bless you!” “Gesundheit!”
good grief
all the blessings in the world
won’t bring me my relief
So I sneeze and wheeze and sniffle and cough
the entire day through
while you bless me to your hearts content
and feel glad this isn’t you
So give me boxes of tissues for Christmas
I’ll be very happy
watch my nostrils quiver and queasy
have a nice day
just call me sneezy.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Poetry Month

So I became aware that April is National Poetry Month! Whee what fun. And I've just sort of decided that I would post some of my poetry for you all in celebration. Yay for you! I don't claim to be a wonderful poet but, I guess you couild say I was known in the High School Literary Magazine as a prolific poet. In other words, whatever I may lack in quality, I make up for in quantity. At least I used to. Now I write less frequently. But anyway. To start off, here is one of my more recent ones. I have been struggling a lot lately, feeling stuck in a rather dark spot. I don't really feel like expounding much more than that.
But here it is (kind comments very much appreciated!! please let me know someone is reading this):

Waiting through the dark
by Kristen

I guess I cannot be rushed
I can't be forced
I cannot.
Although all I see is darkness
all I feel is pressure
all I am is small
and closed
and cold.
When the time is right
I will feel it
I will begin to push my
way upward
through dark, still, damp
I will feel myself begin to reach
towards warmth
and light
and freedom,
where I will be bright
and lovely
and good.
I will be.
I feel it.
But I cannot be rushed.
I cannot be forced.
In my time . . .
I trust it,
I will be more than I am right now.
More than just a seed
here in the darkness,
I will grow.
I will become.
I will wait here in darkness,
For spring.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Your Story, My Story

"But behind all your stories 
is always your mother's story,
 because hers is where yours began.” 
- Mitch Albom

It's an interesting thing having your kids grow up. It's been mostly a good thing for me. I don't really pine for the days when my kids were little. Oh, they were so squishy adorable and I loved it. But it was also very very hard. I am mostly just very happy that my children are all potty trained and sleep through the night and can talk to me in complete sentences (most of the time). And they can take their baths and showers by themselves and most of them do it without prodding! They can get their own food when they need to, and can get their homework done mostly unassisted. Honestly, I can't imagine dealing with the constant pain I have now with my kids any younger than they were when this started. Although it threw me for a major loop and put some major kinks in the plans I had for this stage of my life (and continues to do so), I am nothing short of grateful that Elisabeth was starting kindergarten when my pain started and that I wasn't responsible for anyone's care full time.

But this is an interesting thing, letting your kids gain their independence and not only that, but suddenly they have their own online lives and presence. They are beginning to own their own story and all of our roles in the story shift ever so slightly, sometimes not so slightly. No longer is it my prerogative to share (and overshare) all the cute and adorable things they do, nor the embarrassing, frustrating, and hair pulling things that they do. This is hard for me. I've had this blog for many years - 7? 8? I'm not sure. And while I've become quite the blog slacker, I still find myself being pulled back in to make sense of things in my life. Or then there's facebook too. And instagram. Yes. Some people seem to be a little bit better with allowing their children more privacy and power in deciding what of their lives should be shared, and what shouldn't. This is an ever evolving process for me.

I was driving home with Abigail one day and we were talking about this. We had just spent a couple long hours waiting through the long lines at the DMV only to get to the counter and discover that I had needed to bring documentation of our new address to complete the application and I didn't have it. Ugh!! My fault that all of this time had been wasted. And, here's the tricky part, this was the 3rd time we had been at the DMV waiting in lines to take the test for her to get her driver's learning permit. 
So, she says, don't tell anyone I didn't get my permit - again. 
But you see, I tell her, this is also my story. It's my frustration that I didn't bring the necessary forms. It's also my time wasted in waiting for no good reason. Compounded by the fact that this wasn't the first time we had been there to try to do this.
So, what is her story to tell and what is mine? Can I tell mine without also telling hers? 
And it doesn't stop there, of course. Like this quote says, our stories always come back to our mothers'.  Because when did our story ever begin and hers end? 
Her pregnancy was my prenatal life. Her story of my birth is my birth story. Everything I do, affects her too. Everything she does, is part of the story of my life. Because she is my mother.

And I am her mother, my daughter's (and my other children, of course).  Her story is my story. Her successes are part of my success. Her tears become mine. We are forever entwined, our stories overlapping. Even when she is truly her own and I am just a background figure, it will remain thus.
This is an interesting time of stepping back and letting her determine her own story to tell or not to tell. Sometimes I am amazed that I am here, at this point in my own story. Where we are shifting our roles, and figuring out this intricate relationship between what is mine and what is hers. And what our story will become.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

40 and Fabulous

Well yes, everybody, today is my 40th birthday! Happy Birthday to me! I have to admit I've been struggling a little bit with this turning 40 business. I know, yes I know, that age is just a number, and we're only as old as we feel, and who cares about birthdays anyway and blah blah blah.  But . . . it's just weird. How did I get this old? And do I really feel this old? (actually, in some ways, yes.) And do I really look this old?!? (again, unfortunately, probably yes.) Ugh.

Truth is, sometimes I really feel like crap. Sometimes I think, only 40? Seriously?!? I have gained weight over the past year that I am really not happy about. And I hurt. Dangit, I just hurt. All the time. And I've decided to grow out my hair color, due to cost and upkeep and all the chemicals and neurotoxins in hair dye. It's an interesting experiment to see how it goes. And I have quite a bit of gray! It's rather shocking and hard to get used to. And it's easy to start to feel a bit down about it all (a bit down?!? That's hilarious). And how am I spending my birthday so far? Calling and waiting for calls back from Drs, for another freaky issue I'm having that is causing me a lot of anxiety. So. To combat all this worry and woe of now being 40, I've decided to buoy myself up by remembering all the things that make me fabulous! HAHA. 40 of them in fact. Because, why not? I need to remind myself that I am, in fact, pretty great at this age.

So, may I present to you, 40 fabulous things about me, or things I've done, or about my life at this point in general.  Most of you probably know these already, but I just need to make a list. Because I like lists. So here you go:

1. I'm lefthanded. That's one of my best qualities.;)
2. I have given birth to 4 beautiful babies, the biggest one being 9lbs 5 oz, and naturally at that! (3 of the 4 were natural, the big boy being the first!)
3. And I breastfed each of them for over a year.
4. I've run in a handful of 5Ks
5. I've been on a hot air balloon ride.
6. I've gone whale watching.
7. I've been white water rafting.
8. And rappelling down a cliff.
9. I served an 18 month mission in Germany for my church.
10. I graduated from BYU with a degree in Therapeutic Recreation.
11. My record for number of books read in a year (since I've been keeping track) is 108 in 2010. I read a lot.
12. I've been blogging since 2007.
13. I'm an avid journal writer, currently finishing up journal #58.
14. I write poetry. I've been working for years on a project to compile all of my poems I've ever written onto a private blog. It's a big project.
15. I play violin. For a few years I played in a community symphony.
16. I like to take a lot of photographs.
17. I like to keep track of things. I consider myself a memory keeper, record keeper.
18. I completed a sprint distance triathlon.
19. I like little tiny things.
20. I've been married to my best friend for 17 years now.
21. I'm not terribly crafty but I've started experimenting with quilling, which is fun.
22. I have kept just about every letter ever written to me.
23. I save stuff. (see #17)
24. It's hard to come up with 40 awesome things about myself.
25. Maybe I'll stop here.
26. ummm . . .  I once went to a concert all by myself and felt brave.
27. I eat lemon cake every year for my birthday. Except for last year when I was gluten and dairy free and could only find a gluten free cake mix that was flavored like sweetened cardboard.
28. I have been to a lot of States. I filled out that map thing on Facebook but I'm not going to go back to look at it.;)
29. I've hiked to the top of Mt Timpanogos.
30. I've hiked in both the Rocky Mountains and Shenandoah mountains.
31. I like canoeing  - and paddle boating.
32. I like zip lines quite a lot.
33. I've been to Yellowstone National Park, Arches National Park, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park in UT.
34. I've been to Acadia National Park in Maine.
35. I've been to Mt Rushmore National Memorial.
36. And many National or State parks and forests in VA, CA, IN, UT, and possibly other places too. I should start keeping track, I can't remember them all by name.
37. Oh and I've been to Niagara Falls.
38. I grew up in Northern VA which means I've been to the Smithsonian museums in DC, and the art museums, and Botanical Gardens, and many civil war sites, and presidential birthplaces, etc.
39. Oh and the National Aquarium at Baltimore is one of my favorite places on earth.
40. I've also been spelunking, or caving.

So, you know. Life has been good.
It's good to take some time to remember that. I know I've probably forgotten a lot of things, possibly even bigger and better things than what I have listed here. But, you know, it's hard to think of everything (or sometimes anything) when you're staring at a screen trying to come up with stuff. So this is what came out.

(oh and remember the 100 things about me post I wrote back in 2008? You can click on that for more useless facts and never ending lists about me.) :)

So, in 40 years I've done some stuff. Not huge stuff. Nothing earth shattering or world changing. But let it be known that I am here. I matter and my story matters. What I know, what I feel, the places I've been, the things I've done, they matter. The people who I have affected or that have affected me, all matter.
That reminder to myself is my birthday present to me this year.

ps - as a birthday gift to me, would you leave a comment and let me know that you're reading this? I would love that so much.:) Thanks!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...