Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Kristen's Little House of Horrors

AKA: What this Feels Like

In honor of upcoming Halloween, and since I am constantly asked what my Trigeminal Neuralgia feels like, I thought I'd give everyone a fun little scare and welcome you to my own personal horror and let you into my virtual head where you can experience it all firsthand and then leave without ever experiencing it again! Lucky you! Come in, come in! I won't bite! ahahahah.

 Enter at Your Own Risk!
All Effects Are Magical and Temporary or your money back - Guaranteed!
(Now please sign this consent form that you will hold none of us liable for any and all lingering effects and or terror that may be a result of this experience. Thank you. You may now continue.)

Please enter one at a time, watch your step, that's it, leave your personal belongings at the door thank you. Yes, you are now finally entering the Kristen's Little House of Horrors.

 This is a bare cold semi-lit warehouse room like a scene out of The Walking Dead. A single chair, much like a dentist's chair is in the middle of the room, with a metal tray next to it filled with odd contraptions and needles and sharp pain inflicting devices. The legs, arms, and headrest of the chair have straps. There is a single light bulb hanging on a string down above the chair.

Please, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Or as comfortable as you can.
You sit.
Your arms are tied down. Your legs are tied down. Your forehead is strapped to the headrest.

This is merely for your own safety and for the safety of those around you.

ok. I now need your verbal consent that you are ready to proceed. yes? would you like to muffle your screams, yes or no? no? ok then.

- We will first tape this electrical impulse wire straight across your cheek which will direct a steady ache deep in your cheek bone. There.

- Now, we are going to inject another one deep into your ear to cause a terrible constant ear ache.

- Just a second while we set up the needle darts to periodically shoot into your ear drum. There... we... go.

 - And then, hmm... this one's tricky... this is a metal clamp with sharp teeth that will randomly clamp the outside of your ear.

- Now, we're going to take this tiny needle and slide it up in between the skin and the bone right here on the side of your nose. Yes, feel free to moan, groan, or scream if you feel the need. That's no problem at all. Go right ahead.

 - And we will insert another needle up here along your eyebrow.

- And put one right going right across lower eyelid.

- And then here we're going to put another randomly clamping metal clamp on your upper eyelid. Ah, perfect.

- And these eyedrops will make it feel like your eyeball is going to explode. Very good.

- Now that we have those in place, we will now have these hypodermic needles randomly timed to be stabbed in your face, right there across your cheek, in the roof of your mouth, in your upper lip, in your lower jaw, in your temple and in your jaw joint.

- ok, and now open your mouth please and say ahhh? no just kidding no need to say ahhh... we will now be performing root canals on each and every tooth on half of your mouth .... without anesthetic.  Yes I'll just slide this in to keep your mouth open.  Please stop screaming now, thank you. Remember there won't be any lasting effects from this, it is purely magical and just for fun.  Isn't this fun?!?!?

Yessssssss...... drills please................. there, that isn't so bad, is it?!?!?!?  is it??????

ok, just one more thing.
- Here is some unflavored pop rocks candy I'm just going to place on your tongue right here.... to let sizzle and pop a little bit.  There.

- And then oh I forgot, one more electrical current on your cheek to make a little buzzing now and then.

- oh and we'll occasionally hit you on the side of the head with a hammer too just for fun - watch out for that

Most of these are completely randomized (except for the constant aching currents). You may feel all of them, several all at once, or none, in completely random patterns, lasting for several minutes or seconds, over and over again, or not at all while you are here. Good luck to you.

And now that you are all hooked up and feeling the pain of trigeminal neuralgia, the real fun begins:

You can now choose between several specialized torture chambers to complete and personalize your horror experience or we can randomly choose for you between the following options OR you can cycle through them all for the optimal House of Horror PAIN Experience:

1. The Helping-Grumpy-Kids-With-Homework Torture Chamber

2. The Fighting-Whining-Children Torture Chamber

3. The Going-Over-Finances Torture Chamber

4. The Going-Shopping Torture Chamber

5. The Driving-with-Kids Torture Chamber (optional Driving-in-Traffic add-on)

6. The Trying-To-Think-About-Anything Torture Chamber

ok, you'd like to cycle through each of the torture chambers? Excellent choice, that will give you the optimal House of Horror Pain Experience. Your torture chair is equipped with automatic wheels that will take you through each of the chambers and then bring you back to the entrance where an assistant will disconnect you from the device and magically erase all of the painful effects and you can then collect your personal belongings and go about your day.

Thank you for visiting Kristen's House of Horror's! We hope you enjoyed your visit! Be grateful that you can leave this experience behind and hopefully never ever come back again. And we hope you have also gained some insight and understanding.
Happy Halloween!


Mom M. said...

Very creative, Kristen. You are such a gifted writer! If this weren't such a reality for you it might be funny but knowing that this is what you deal with day in and day out makes it horrible!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. I pray every day that you will be able to find some relief. Love you!!

George Trammell said...
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