Fall Colors {Reposting}

After seeing my mom's pretty pictures of the leaves up the canyon, and hearing on the news that our cold storm coming through this Wed. would effectively destroy them all, I was determined to go up and see them on Sun. So we took my mom again for a little drive up Provo Canyon and up to Sundance Ski Resort, where we walked around a little. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was beginning to dip behind the mountain, so some of the pictures aren't quite as brilliant as they would have been with the sunshine on them. But it was still spectacular to see. Made me very very happy. :)

This was taken through the car windshield in motion, so it's a blur. But it kind of looks like an impressionistic painting, doesn't it?


So many pretty colors!
Abigail has a school project where she is supposed to collect and press a bunch of fall leaves and this was the perfect place to do it!! I also read somewhere that you can dip the leaves in paraffin wax and preserve the colors that way, and then use them for decorations. I can't wait to try it!

A rare occasion for a family portrait! And hardly any of the kids are smiling and only a few are looking at the camera, but oh well. At least we are all there!

I love that red, yellow and green together.

The mountainside in the last remaining sunlight.

And I loved the sun blazing behind this bright tree. Of course it was even more impressive in real life.

Anyway - so it's autumn in the mountains. The leaves down here in the valley are drying and dying, but not really changing colors yet.

The temps are still in the 80's this week, until on Wed. they are supposed to dip into the 50's and snow in the mountains. And then, I suppose fall might be practically over. See? I told you - fall is too short here.
But I guess I'll take what I can get.
(and does anybody know where I can buy paraffin wax? Walmart doesn't have it) :)

Books for Ashley {Reposted}

Since Ashley won my little newspaper game awhile ago, she got to pick a blog post topic and she wanted a list of my favorite books, or books she might like, or something like that. :)

So I thought I would give you the list that I compiled for the spiel I gave at our Relief Society meeting on the importance of books. Like I said there, though, I am sort of reluctant to give book recommendations. I feel like favorite books are kind of like favorite jeans - the style, size, fit, etc. are unique to the individual and what works for one person really might not work for someone else.

But, given that caveat, here are some of my favorite books that came to my head when I made the list (by no means comprehensive). Most of them are books I've read in more recent years, although not all are. So if you haven't read some of these, I'd say give them a try. You just might like it (or not).

And Ashley, if you have read all the books on this list, then get back to me and I'll rack my brain a little more for you. :)

Here goes (in no particular order):

1. I capture the Castle - Dodie Smith
2. The Thirteenth Tale - Diane Setterfield
3. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
4. A tree grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith
5. Peace Like a River - Leif Enger
6. Kitchen Table Wisdom - Rachel Naomi Remen
7. Reading Lolita in Tehran - Azar Nafisi
8. The book thief - Markus Zusak
9. Goodnight, Mr. Tom - Michelle Magorian
10. A circle of quiet - Madeleine L'Engle
11. Life on the Refrigerator Door - Alice Kupers
12. Tess of the D'Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. The Bridge Across Forever - Richard Bach
14. Walden - Thoreau
15. Lust for Life - Irving Stone
16. The Twenty-One Balloons - William Pene Du Bois
17. Spilling Clarence - Anne Ursu
18. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek - Annie Dillard
19. The man who mistook his wife for a hat - Oliver Sacks
20. books by Robert Fulghum
21. Jacob have I loved - Katherine Paterson
22. Our Town - Thornton Wilder
23. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
24. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
25. My name is Asher Lev - Chaim Potok

(anybody really like or dislike any books on this list? what books would you recommend as "must-reads"?)

another post I probably shouldn't write - but will anyway {reposting}

Time to vent. Ready?? On your mark . . . get set . . . go!

1. We bought Elisabeth her potty-training toy on Sat - and then she proceeded to have 4 accidents that day. After a week of no accidents at all. Of course.

2. Fall is always when I get the strongest longings to live elsewhere. Trees, trees, where art thou?!? I've been struggling again with these deep desires of my heart and balancing the whole "bloom where you're planted" idea. Balancing following your dreams with being content with what is. And then balancing the "me me me" and what I want, with the "what's really best for my family." Suggestions, anyone? Has anyone else struggled with these ideas?

3. My ankle still hurts. I thought it was getting considerably better. And I guess it is. If I don't move. I went shopping on Sat., walked around the store for about an hr. and my ankle ached badly the rest of the day. I am so discouraged by it. I feel like I haven't been able to really adjust and get into a good routine with the kids in school, because I can't exercise (which has been a vital part of my routine) and I can't do much housework either. I am floundering. And I hate it. And I decided I can't afford the $20 copay each time to continue going to physical therapy, so I cancelled my last appt. Frustrating.

4. We have a mouse problem. It's freaking me out. I shudder every time I brush against something soft on the floor. And it's repulsive to me that a mouse could have been scurrying across every surface in the house. SO DISGUSTING!!! It's making me jumpy and nauseous. We've set traps, but they don't seem to be working very well. And we've put out some poison, but the idea of a mouse crawling in some hole and dying there in my house is almost worse than the thought of live ones. We think the bunny and all it's tasty food and hay may have been contributing. And we sealed up some possible entrances into the basement. And then, I can't help but think that maybe if my house were a little cleaner, maybe we wouldn't be having this problem. Which grosses me out. And makes me feel guilty. And I want to go out and buy airtight containers for every single food item in my pantry (but I can't afford to do that). And we've been having a hard time getting to sleep at night because every little creak or bump makes us think there are mice out and about!!! ARGH!!! (I hope you all aren't totally disgusted by us now - I promise we are trying to take care of the problem. Anyone want to let us borrow a cat for a day or 2?)

5. Yesterday was a hard day at church. Samuel was being crazy. We chased him around the whole time and then they were doing practice for the Primary program, so they stayed in the chapel instead of going to the Primary room. This meant, of course, that Samuel would not stay by himself (because everything was different and chaotic). So I was just worn out to begin with. And then they were giving out the parts for the kids. Samuel's teacher was lining them up in the order of their parts (for the little kids they pass along a mike along the row and each of them say a little line). But they didn't give a part to Samuel. I asked his teacher, does Samuel have a part? And she said no . . . and asked if I wanted him to have one. Well, I knew that he would not talk into the mike to begin with, and no one would understand him even if he did . . . but I couldn't help but ask, is he the only one who doesn't have a part? And she said she didn't think so, she checked her list, and the only other kid who didn't have a part was one who never comes to church. And then I lost it completely. I had a complete breakdown. In the church. With Samuel's teacher, all the kids, and the other primary leaders probably looking on. It became impossible for me to compose myself so I took Samuel and left. I wanted to go outside, so as to not have anyone else see me, and I didn't have the car keys. But - it was windy outside, and Samuel freaked out, so I brought him back in and sat in the lobby. I don't really know what went on in the chapel after I left, but after a few minutes, the Primary secretary came out and said that they were going to have Samuel say a part together with another little boy in his class. But I was already too far gone to be able to recover, so I ended up interrupting Zac's nursery class to get the keys and I took Samuel home. I do understand why they wouldn't give him a part to say. Realistically, he probably would not be willing to do it anyhow. But I couldn't even say for sure what was upsetting me more. The fact that they had excluded him. Or the fact that I knew they had good reason to. It was just really really hard. That's all.

6. And Elisabeth has been really difficult ever since the kids started school. Huge screaming and shrieking temper tantrums. Aren't we done with this yet?!?? This morning Elisabeth went in Samuel's room and he yelled at her and she cried. Then a couple minutes later, Samuel was trying to come into Elisabeth's room, and she shut the door in his face, and he cried. There's been a lot of fighting and crying going on. And it seems both Zac and I are often at the end of our ropes. Neither of us have enough patience or energy to deal with it all. So we are unable to help and support each other or give each other a break, because both of us have already reached our breaking points. It's kind of a problem.

Anyway - so I had a kind of rough weekend. And remember the back to school seminar thing I mentioned before? Yeah, I can't do it. Wish I could. But it's just too overwhelming. Just so you know.

Alright, I'm done now. Thanks for listening.

Welcome to Holland {reposting}

In response to my last post, a dear friend of mine sent me this article this morning, which I have read before somewhere years ago, but it struck a very particular chord in my heart right now since it describes what I am feeling so perfectly. I just wanted to post it to share with you and to keep it in my chronicles as a reminder to myself.
Who would have known I would find myself in Holland?!?

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

the long road towards acceptance {reposting}

There are times when I think I have come to accept the fact that I have a child with "special needs." He had his first ear infection at 4 mos., first tubes put in his ears at 10 mos., - by 15 mos we knew he had a speech delay and started early intervention. So, for essentially 4 years now, he has had therapy of one sort or another. We are still searching for answers and feel like we may never really know what exactly is going on. But we have spent years trying to figure it out already. You might think we are getting used to all of this somewhat.

I think I used to think that parents of disabled children must come to accept it at some point. But now I have begun to think, do they? Ever? Do you ever get over looking at all the "normal" kids and not fight back the sting of tears as you realize how far behind your child really is? Do you ever stop wondering what you could have, should have, would have done if things had been different - and would anything have made any difference? Because I have to admit I hate sitting in the children's primary class at church with Samuel, when he won't sit with his class by himself, and watch the other kids his age. I hate feeling kicked in the stomach when I don't know if he will ever "catch up" to where they are. I hate all the reminders I see of his "differences." Do other people feel that way too?

I went to register him for kindergarten the other day and felt singled out and sorry for myself that his class does things differently than all the other kindergarten classes. The lady who took our paperwork couldn't tell me when or if they would do pre-kindergarten assessments, or when or if his class list would be posted, or really anything at all. She didn't know about the special needs class, she said. And I know I should get over my own sorry self when it comes to all of this. It's really not about me. It's about what's best for him. And I know that. And I do feel this is best. But it is still hard to be the mom who has to explain to everyone, when they ask who his teacher is, or when they look a little concerned that he's running around babbling nonsense and actually going to kindergarten, that he's in the special needs class. It's hard to feel a little amazed at what the other kids are able to do at his age - and he is just ages away, it seems.

So, today we went in for his pre-assessment (we found out his teacher does do them). He did as well as I would have expected, although it is just nothing like what Abigail and Isaac were doing going into kindergarten. I try hard not to compare. But sometimes, it just slides in like a paper cut and stings all over again. His teacher seems nice, although she is just fresh out of college. I just hope everything works out. The good thing is that there are only 6 kids in his class, with the teacher and 2 aides. So that's a pretty good student-teacher ratio! I'm hoping that with the attention he receives, he will be able to work at his level and make lots of progress.

But I worry about a lot of things. A lot, a lot, a lot of things. And I don't know how to accept what is, and simultaneously work to change what can be. Or whatever. Will someone please tell me how to do this? Does anyone know? Sometimes I don't feel strong enough or courageous enough or assertive enough or like anything I am is enough to do what's required of me as the mom of this child. A new year has begun - and I'm not sure I'm up for it. The road ahead feels long. And I know, I know I'm not the only one traveling this path. And many many many are on a tougher journey than mine by far. Am I the only one struggling to come to terms with this challenge, in whatever degree of difficulty? Is it just me?

Martian Child {reposting}

Don't you hate it when you see a movie and really like it and then you go read some very critical and negative reviews of it and you can sort of agree with them, and you think maybe you're just an idiot for liking it, but you like it anyway? I hate that.
But I liked this movie anyway. Have you all seen it??

It's the story of a little boy named Dennis who has been abandoned and emotionally abused and spends all day sitting in a box, waiting for someone to adopt him - and who thinks he's from Mars. He hates the sun. He wears a weight belt to keep himself from floating away. And he likes hanging upside down, to help counteract Earth's gravity.
Then David (John Cusack), a widower, gets a call from the foster place saying that they think they have found a good fit for him. It's Dennis.
David asks the lady, "so just out of curiosity, what makes you think that I am a good match for a kid who spends all his time in a box?"
Sophie responds, "He thinks he's from another planet."
You see, because David is a science-fiction writer who understands a little bit about aliens, and outer-space, and being an outsider.
So it's sort of a story about adoption, sort about a kid with very unique needs, sort of about building a family and learning about each other, sort of about accepting differences. Not so much about Mars.

And I can relate to so much of it, it was almost painful to watch. I think we all can relate to it in some ways. But especially having a child who is different, that other people may not understand, a kid who will be in a "special class" because he won't fit in in a regular one . . . even though he doesn't think he's from Mars, sometimes we wonder, "where did you come from? what do we do now? How do we help this child learn "humanbeingness" as Dennis says he's come to earth to learn?"

We wonder that about all our children. (Another great quote from David's brother-in-law: "all kids are aliens, he's just smart enough to admit it.")
But maybe especially those who are a little different. Who have trouble making friends. Who have quirks and idiosyncrasies that may make them stand out.

I struggle desperately to understand and find the balance between helping our kids learn social skills, learn how to fit in enough to not be an alien to everyone else, and yet give them the freedom to be who they are. To feel good about who they are, even if they are not like everyone else. We want our kids to be "normal," to come down to earth and be like everyone else to some extent - I don't think any of us wants to see our kids hurting, being the loner, out on the sidelines, being so "weird" that they are teased or even bullied. There are ways to teach kids that some things are considered "acceptable," manners etc, and some things are not. But then, as Dennis asks David as they are getting ready for his first day at a new school, "is it good to be like everyone else?" And he quickly learns that he should "pretend not to be from Mars" so that the experts will see "progress" and let them stay together. We do want them to be themselves, too. As David's friend says, "there's nothing wrong with being a little eccentric."
How do you find the balance??? It makes my head spin and my heart ache.

I wish I could figure it out.
The best quote, though, is from the final scene:
"Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human. For some reason Dennis and I reached out into the universe and found each other, Never really know how or why. And discovered that I can love an alien and he can love a creature. And that's weird enough for both of us."
So true, so true.

Reading Round-Up: May and June {Reposted}

I'm going to need to do this a little differently this time, as I am dreadfully behind.


Here are the books I read in May and June:

1. The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch
2. The Merchant of Venice - Shakespeare
3. The Anybodies - N.E. Bode
4. Spilling Clarence - Anne Ursu
5. Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
6. Healing ADD - Daniel Amen
7. Gilead - Marilynne Robinson
8. Called out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession - Anne Rice
9. Spilling Open - Sabrina Ward Harrison
10. The Nobodies - N.E. Bode
11. Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt - Anne Rice
12. Catalyst - Laurie Halse Anderson
13. We the Living - Ayn Rand
14. The Somebodies - N.E. Bode
15. Tourmaline - Joanna Scott
16. Fablehaven Book 4 - Brandon Mull
17. The Wednesday Sisters - Meg Waite Clayton
18. Camilla - Madeleine L'Engle
19. Every Last Cuckoo - Kate Maloy


Yeah. That's kind of a lot. Have no fear, I am not reading nearly as many this month (although I have

So, my top recommendations from the above list are:

Spilling Clarence (again, I may choose this for my bookclub pick, so don't read it yet)

Healing ADD (if such a thing is of interest to you, this is one of the best ones I've read to date) Gilead

We the Living

Camilla

Mansfield Park

And best for getting some creative juices flowing: Spilling Open

Best children's book: The Anybodies (yes, Fablehaven was good, too. But we've already discussed Fablehaven, haven't we? Whatever I said before still applies).

Best for feeling introspective: The Last Lecture

Toughest read: The Merchant of Venice (really, what has happened to my brain? I swear I had no idea what was going on for most of this book)

Biggest Surprise: Christ the Lord (and I'd recommend reading Rice's Called out of Darkness for a more in-depth look at how she went from writing vampire stories, to writing historical fiction about the life of Christ).



And that's about it for now. Just because one of the books I read didn't make any of my "bests" lists, doesn't mean they weren't good, I just can't think anymore. If I had more time, I would tell you what I liked and disliked about each of them. But you can go to my Goodreads page if you want any more reviews, my friends. :)



So, whatcha readin' this summer? Do you think summer is a better time to tackle some longer and more difficult reads or do you stick to lighter beach reads or just read what you normally read? Or do you take a break from all things requiring mental effort and veg out as much as possible?



And really, do you think I read too much? Maybe? heheheh, catch me if you can . . . :)