can you blame me? {reposted}

Isaac stayed home sick today, which always throws off my routine a bit. Can't really go out for my walk . . . and Zac accidentally brought both sets of keys with him to work, so I couldn't have taken the little ones to the Children's Garden as I had thought I might. And so instead of doing the million things I should have been doing this morning, I spent (wasted) too much time browsing house listings in a particular place on the east coast, with houses like this:

and back yards like this:

priced far more reasonably than comparable homes where I now live. (pictures taken from actual house listings)

Can you really blame me??

Can I even tell you what happens to me when I see places like this??

I think it started with our trip to SC and my heart fluttered as we drove down highways lined with green, green trees . . . trees so thick that you can't see any of the houses or stores from the road. And then several neighbors and friends are moving and I feel sharp pangs of jealousy - not because of where or why they are moving, but merely because they get to. That's not right, is it?
And then my brother and his wife are moving to a different state, too.

Those who know me well know that I have been longing to move somewhere greener for at least a few years now. I get the urge to look and dream, and then I give up and resign myself to staying. And I know, I know, I should be happy where I am, bloom where I'm planted, etc etc. But for 7 years, Seven Years, I have struggled to "bloom" here and I just can't help but think maybe I am a plant that needs more rain. Literally. Does anyone but me feel like they are truly happier in different climates, locations, environments? Is this just crazy??

Anyway - I know that we do live in great neighborhood. I feel like I do have some friends, although it has taken me 7 years to feel that way. Our house is comfortable. Zac's job is hard to beat. Schools are good. We are happy.

Don't get me wrong, we are happy.
Really.
But I just think that if merely looking at houses with yards filled with trees on half-acre lots brings me to tears and makes me miss it so badly that my insides hurt - there must be something to that, isn't there? I know that the grass always seem greener on the other side - but, really and truly, the world is a greener place in other places and I just want to be there instead of here. Is that wrong?

So anyway - just wanted to purge my thoughts on that matter. Pay me no attention. We have no definite plans of moving anytime soon, believe me (just don't ask me how I feel about that).

In other news, we've been working on some things with Elisabeth. First, getting her to go to sleep without us staying in her room with her. I know some of you are just tsk-tsk-ing for getting into such an abominable habit in the first place. But, oh well. We are now at the point where one of us sits outside her door and reassures her that we are there and then she'll to sleep. Pretty soon, I think, we will progress from that step, as well. We are also working on potty-training, sort of. If I leave her behind naked, then she is likely to remember and go potty by herself. But if she is weaing anything, diaper, pull-up, underwear, then it's like she's never used the potty before in her life. Why she doesn't seem to "get it" is beyond me. And, as I cannot let her stay naked all the time, it's a bit frustrating. But with the temps reaching high-80's today, I have her in a sundress with nothing underneath so that at least when she's playing outside, maybe no one will notice that she has a naked bum.

And, PS, thanks for all your responses to my previous questions. You all get 10 bonus points for participating!! yippee! (although I must admit I was just a tad disappointed that no one said they would just follow their intuition and move someplace else where they think they'd be happier - but what you did say was all too true. I know, I know. sigh.)

100 Things About Me {REPOSTED}

(Originally posted March 20, 2008)

Well, in honor of reaching our 100th post, I will now share with you a 100 Things About Me List (some of these might be in my 33 Bday list, but there'll still be at least 67 new things for you). Yippee!

1. I lived my whole life in Virginia (except for college, mission, and married life)
2. I'm the 2nd of 5 kids (1 brother, 3 sisters)
3. I like whales and dolphins
4. I love lemon flavored things (and scents)
5. Also lavender
6. I lived in Southern Germany for 18 mos. as a Mormon missionary
7. my major was Therapeutic Recreation (mostly for little kids with disabilities)- but sometimes I wish maybe I had done something else
8. I read a lot
9. I've played violin (on and off) since I was 5
10. I took piano lessons for 1 year (and don't remember anything except chopsticks - and I didn't learn that in my lessons)
11. I have 4 terrific kids (2 boys, 2 girls)
12. And the best husband in the world
13. I've been told I have a very unique (and loud) laugh
14. sometimes I write poetry - but I very rarely share it with anyone
15. I need 10 hrs of sleep at night (and never ever get it)
16. I don't wear make-up, or paint my nails, or even "do" my hair
17. I love rain (and it hardly ever rains here - so sad)
18. And I really really love trees
19. I like the ocean and beaches (but not necessarily swimming in it or getting sunburned)
20. My favorite season is Autumn (if there are enough trees around)
21. I've written in over 50 journals
22. I really miss the bakeries in Germany - yummy bread is one of my favorites foods
23. I've rappelled of an 80 ft. cliff
24. and been white-water rafting
25. and whale-watching off the coast of Mass.
26. I usually like to camp (as long as all the kids are sleeping through the night)
27. I advocate breastfeeding as long as you can or want
28. I've had 3 babies without medications
29. I like listening to oldies
30. and classical music
31. and I used to be a big "alternative rock" fan (sometimes I go back on memory lane and listen to it again - and sometimes I'm shocked by what I used to listen to)
32. I go back and forth between long and short hair
33. I went to lots of fun rock concerts as a teenager
34. I took ballet for many years as a child and have taken classes as an adult, too
35. I love the feeling of a plane taking off
36. my favorite color is sage green (for now)
37. I pretty much hate shopping - it's discouraging
38. I swam on a community swim team from age 9-14
39. My best stroke was breaststroke
40. I still have all my ribbons and medals
41. I like to save everything
42. I had my tonsils taken out at age 14
43. that was after I got mono and had an abcessed tonsil
44. that all happened in one summer
45. the worst summer of my life
46. I shattered my elbow when I crashed on my bike in 7th grade
47. I've also broken my arm falling off a chair (4th grade)
48. and got stitches in my head after jumping up and hitting an open cabinet door (in 3rd grade)
49. I tend to be clumsy and accident prone sometimes
50. I really liked to dance as a teenager and young adult (church dances, school dances, clubs etc)
51. I met a guy at a club once and went on a date with him later - I've never been so scared on a date. But he really was harmless.
52. Ok - change that. The most scared I was on a date was when I went spelunking in the Nutty Putty Caves with a guy I had just met in my Physical Science class in college.
53. But maybe that was because I'm a bit claustrophobic and it was very tight and very dark and I was not having fun.
54. I never saw that guy again.
55. And have never gone caving again either.
56. I think I have a lot of interesting dating stories
57. And I am so grateful to have found the love of my life
58. and to be married so I don't have to date weird guys anymore
59. and I really really pray I won't be single again in my lifetime (for any reason)
60. I've driven cross-country between Va and Ut several times
61. Maine is one of the most beautiful states I've visited
62. I'd like to see the Northern Lights someday
63. one of my favorite CD's in recent years is Niamh Parsons - (beautiful irish songs)
64. I took German in high school -and did very poorly
65. I took 4 semesters of American Sign Language in college - and did very well
66. But then I was called to Germany for my mission and had to relearn German
67. And I forgot almost all of my ASL
68. Now I've forgotten almost all my German, too
69. I had my gall bladder taken out a couple years ago
70. I love to roller-skate
71. and I'm an 80's music fan
72. I don't watch very much TV
73. except sometimes lately when I have a lot of laundry to fold
74. I've run in 5K races twice
75. and would like to again someday
76. But I mostly walk for exercise these days
77. sometimes I wish I could be more crafty - because I am really not
78. I have mild asthma
79. I'm much better at writing than talking
80. I say "I don't know" an awful lot when I don't know what else to say. People have told me I say it way too much. But, well, I don't know.
81. I've also been told I give people "looks", but I really don't mean to
82. I'm a terrible liar - and can't hide my feelings even when I want to
83. I really like foods flavored with vinegar and/or dill - yumm!
84. While in Germany, I developed a strange affection for (live) snails. They really are disgusting, but I find myself fascinated by them - repulsed and attracted all at once.
85. When I was very little, I wanted to be a school bus driver. I just thought I'd do such a good job.
86. I'm lefthanded - and sort of proud of that fact
87. sometimes I lose my train of thought in the middle of speaking and I don't know how to say what I was saying
88. That's embarassing. And I'm easily embarassed.
89. I want to go on a hot air balloon ride someday
90. And swim with dolphins
91. I want to collect all my favorite books and have a great home library
92. I really don't like math
93. I've never had a "real" job
94. But I'm happy to have the job of Stay-At-Home-Mom for as long as I can
95. I have occasional struggles with anxiety and depression issues (but don't usually talk about it much)
96. My 2nd toe is longer than any of the others
97. I like taking pictures and would like to learn to do it better
98. I tore my hamstring really bad once trying to do a ridiculously difficult ballet stretch - many years after I stopped taking ballet
99. I like to have "a plan" or nothing really gets done
100. And I really like lists.
Wow, that was long. Now you know more than you ever wanted to! Aren't you glad.

Thoughts on Weaning

{originally posted Jan 13 2008 REPOSTING in honor of World Breastfeeding Week} 

It's been 3 days now since I last nursed Elisabeth. We were down to pretty much one nursing in the morning. Zac has been going in to her at night ever since New Year's weekend, so she was used to not nursing at night. But she wakes up way too early (sometime betweeen 5:30 and 6:30) and Zac is getting ready for work at that time so I had to get her. And she wouldn't go back to sleep without nursing. Couldn't let her cry because then EVERYONE would be up TOO EARLY. So anyway, that's the hardest time. I pretty much have to bring her out to the kitchen and feed her breakfast to appease her. But, man, that's too early. And I don't really consider her "fully weaned" until she stops asking for it. So we're not exactly there yet.

But I've just been thinking a lot about nursing, weaning and what it all means to me as a mother. I recognize that I nurse longer than most people would ever consider. She will be 21 mos. this week. That puts her in the middle range of when I've weaned my kids (Abigail was 14 mos, Isaac 23 mos. and Samuel 18 mos.) So I've been through people being all astonished and feeling like an outcast. I've gotten over that. I just don't care anymore. But why do I nurse for so long?

I guess I just look at breastfeeding as a lot more than just food. I read a book that refers to it as a "nursing relationship" and calls the baby/toddler a "nursling". I really like that term (reminds me of a fuzzy little yellow duckling). So it's more than how I feed my baby, it's how I nourish and nurture. It's a reciprocal relationship, part of how we communicate and connect. And weaning (according to Dr. Sears) meant "to ripen" in ancient writings. So I think of it as a gradual process that happens in it's own time. A ripening from one stage to another. A relationship that becomes sweeter and more precious as it ripens. So I've never had a set time or age to wean. I try to wait until the child and I are both more ready.

I have heard some criticism that a baby "couldn't be getting much milk" and so must be nursing for emotional reasons only. Or that "if they're old enough to ask for it, then they're too old." Or that the baby is "using me for a pacifier." According to The Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning by Kathleen Huggins, both the nutrients and the immunological components of breastmilk actually increase in concentration when you nurse over a year. So whatever she is getting is still beneficial. And I have to ask why her emotional needs should matter less than her nutritional needs anyway? And then, as far as being able to communicate clearly what she wants, I can only say that I am grateful not to be cried at all the time (at least she can tell me something she wants).

So, there are my thoughts. I know most people will still think I'm crazy. And that's really ok. I have loved the time I've had with each of my little "nurslings." And I can't be too sad that this time has come to an end. I think in the past I have sometimes fought the change of the seasons. I'm never ready for summer heat, fall is too short, winter's too long. But I am trying lately to accept it for what it is. I can't change the inevitable. So here we are. It's time to wean. Ripening into a new season.

Samuel and Curious George {Reposted}

There is a Curious George cartoon that comes on regularly on PBS and there is one particular episode where George is refusing to take a bath. The man with the yellow hat tries repeatedly to get him in the water - does he want bubbles? Ok, bubbles. But George doesn't want bubbles. Does he want to to take a shower instead of a bath? No, not a shower. George just makes his monkey sounds and runs around with something obviously very wrong with the idea of taking a bath. They go outside and someone's washing a dog or something and the man thinks maybe George will get wet or maybe not since he really has no idea why he won't take a bath. Then very suddenly George finds something in the water bucket and runs off and the man follows him, calling "George? George?" and is wondering what that monkey is off for next. Then he finds him in their apartment, happily taking a bath. And he says "oh you're taking a - bath? I guess we'll never know why you wouldn't take a bath." And he walks off. Because George is very happily playing and making monkey sounds in the water and the bubbles - and with a beloved toy frog, which he had lost - and found - in the water bucket.

There are more than a few reasons that George reminds me of Samuel, not the least of which involves the very curious aspect and getting into trouble and running around like a monkey. But, this episode in particular almost tugs at my hearstrings, because that is exactly what it's like when Samuel can't talk. And we are guessing and wondering and pulling our hair out wondering why in the world he won't "take a bath." And he is trying to tell us but it just doesn't make sense. Sometimes we figure it out - and sometimes we walk away thinking we'll never know.And that is part of the reason I love the curious George stuffed doll that we gave him for his 3rd birthday that giggles and laughs and shakes just like George. Because Samuel is a lot like that. Maybe that's why Samuel likes George so much, both the doll and the show. And we love our little monkey.

Samuel's Speech Update {Reposted}

As you probably already know, Samuel has struggled with a speech delay and many problems with his ears and sinuses. Last January, he had tubes put in his ears for the 3rd time (the 2nd set had fallen out again). Since the continual fluid and ear infections affects how clearly he hears and we want to be sure he's clear to catch up his speech, we don't want to take the chance so we had the tubes placed again. Samuel continued having visits from the speech pathologist from Kids on the Move, the early intervention agency, and we attended a weekly parent/child therapy playgroup for kids with speech problems. Elisabeth and Isaac went to the free onsite childcare, which worked out really well. Isaac's group did fun preschool type activities and the lady who took care of Elisabeth was wonderful with her. The Early Intervention program only lasts until the child's 3rd birthday, so by the end of February, we were beginning the "transition process" to special ed services through the school district. We had a full assessment done where they test him in cognitive, behavioral, as well as speech areas and a full hearing test done with an audiologist. Samuel qualified for speech services (and passed his hearing test, by the way) and started going for his weekly therapy sessions starting in April. This school year, we've spent these first couple months collecting baseline data and haven't gotten very far on actually working on his sound production. But the SLP (Speech Language Pathologist) mentioned that she thought he might benefit from the special ed preschool they have, since he has a hard time relating to his peers socially. But they have to fall below the 1% in one area (such as speech) or below the 7% in 2 or more areas, to qualify. He didn't qualify last spring but we thought we'd go ahead and retest him to see where he fell now. So, on October 22, we did the full asessment yet again. And he scored low enough with his speech and adaptive skills that they decided to put him in the preschool for a 30-day diagnostic observation period. And then the teachers will decide if that's the appropriate placement for him. We'll see. If he doesn't continue in the preschool (and receive speech therapy there), then he will go back to just speech at the elementary school once a week. He is really making great progress in trying to communicate, but he is still very hard to understand. But considering that last year he was using more sign language than words, it is wonderful to hear him talking.

Confessions of a Book addict, or Kristen's quest to read 50 books in a year {reposting}

It started last January 2007. We finally decided to pay the $80/yr non-resident fee to have a County Library card. Which means that instead of the 3 shelves of adult fiction available at our tiny local library, we would have access to the 19 county libraries in their system. Not only were the kids impressed (we walked in and they exclaimed "wow, look at all the books!!), but I discovered a new hobby. I found that by searching the online library catalog, I could find practically any book I was looking for, from any location in the library system, place a hold on it, and it would be delivered to the library closest to me (which happens to be about 20 min away), then I could pick it up and return it there! And I could check out up to 30 books for 3 weeks! Library heaven!!

So began the fun adventure of seeing just how many books I'd "always wanted to read" I could track down. And it turned into being quite a few. I also made another discovery. I'm a good reader. And I can read a lot in my day. And I can read fast. So I could read a lot of books in that 3 weeks. Really.

I am also a big fan of keeping track of things, making lists and keeping records. So I began again to keep a record in a notebook of the books I'd read and the date I completed them. And I was finding great satisfaction in seeing the list grow and grow.

Sometime in October, I was struck by the idea to count them. And it was over 40!! So, I figured I should be able to easily finish reading 50 books by the end of the year. And oh, what an accomplishment that would be! (heehee) So, I am now at 46 books read this year. And I'm in the middle of reading 2, have 2 more checked out to read, and 4 more placed on hold at the library. As with most other addictions, I am aware that the first step is recognizing that you have a problem. So here is my confession. Perhaps it may lead me on the road to recovery.
Perhaps.