Thursday, February 16, 2012

what I need

ok. So perhaps I have been too public about all this nerve pain stuff. It is true I am not one to hide my feelings. I will not say I am ok when I am not (generally - although I will laugh compulsively even when I'm not very happy. Nervous habit). Truth be told, I've been struggling. Quite a bit. I am not one that deals very well with constant pain, apparently. I am not good at "bucking up" and "being strong" or whatever you want to call it. I guess maybe I'm a wimp. I can probably admit to that. At any rate, I saw the neurologist yesterday and I will write soon about what I do and do not know from that visit. But I'm going to write this post first.

I've had a few people ask to let them know if I need anything. The problem is, I feel like I need so much it goes beyond what anyone can do to help. And I have angry, judgmental, sarcastic voices in my head telling me that what I need doesn't matter anyway. There are even some that try to convince me that what I think I need, isn't what I really need. Sometimes I hate my brain.

[Well and I just wrote 2 more entire paragraphs that have now mysteriously disappeared. So. Maybe that's my clue that I shouldn't post what I had written. ugh. hm.]

So anyway. I guess what I really need is to accept the reality of what is. I need more strength and energy and motivation to do things even when I don't think I can. I need to know that I matter somehow, even if all I can do is get through the day spending most of the day in bed. I need caring and supportive people around me who won't tire of continually expressing their caring and support (haha - yes, that's you, my faithful friends). And more than anything, I guess I just need to know I, and my family, can get through this. Even if everyday hurts, even if it never goes away or gets better. That's what I've been struggling with the most. And what no one can help me with.

But thank you for your offers to help. It helps to know you care.

(and ps - yes, I am a believer in faith and prayer. But . . . it's still hard. That's all.)

And a final quote (relating mostly to emotional pain, but applicable to more, I think. And I have actually felt a bit of both lately, so it seems to apply):


"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain.

But you have already borne the pain.

What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain."

- Bartholemew

4 comments:

Mom B. said...

Geez Kristen. I am so sorry you are going through this trial. I know that there is nothing worse than constant pain and not being able to do anything about it. I wish I could help. Please know that you are loved very, very much and thought about all the time and remembered in countless prayers. I wish I knew how to help more.
Love you, Mom

Colleen said...

You do matter. <3

Mr. Sessions said...

Kristen,

I went through 13 doctors over a hand nerve pain issue. I thought I would never ever get over it but lucky #13 doctor actually tried something new and I am better with occasional lapses. I learned that the connection between body and soul is more important than I ever realized. I got depressed looking at the long list of stuff I could no longer do. I guess the Lord taught me what I needed in 6 years of battles because even though I thought it couldn't happen- I did get better. Could I relapse? Sure but I do have faith. I do believe in miracles.

Ashley Case said...

Nerve pain is so hard. CHRONIC nerve pain is almost unbearable. I know how you feel and I am praying for you. No doctor ever figured out what was wrong with me, so I just deal with it when it surfaces. It's mostly gone now, but I have my doubts that it will ever go away for good. Hang in there. And don't ever think that you are alone, because you have a lot of friends around you, including your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, who has suffered your pain.

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