I've had a few people ask to let them know if I need anything. The problem is, I feel like I need so much it goes beyond what anyone can do to help. And I have angry, judgmental, sarcastic voices in my head telling me that what I need doesn't matter anyway. There are even some that try to convince me that what I think I need, isn't what I really need. Sometimes I hate my brain.
[Well and I just wrote 2 more entire paragraphs that have now mysteriously disappeared. So. Maybe that's my clue that I shouldn't post what I had written. ugh. hm.]
So anyway. I guess what I really need is to accept the reality of what is. I need more strength and energy and motivation to do things even when I don't think I can. I need to know that I matter somehow, even if all I can do is get through the day spending most of the day in bed. I need caring and supportive people around me who won't tire of continually expressing their caring and support (haha - yes, that's you, my faithful friends). And more than anything, I guess I just need to know I, and my family, can get through this. Even if everyday hurts, even if it never goes away or gets better. That's what I've been struggling with the most. And what no one can help me with.
But thank you for your offers to help. It helps to know you care.
(and ps - yes, I am a believer in faith and prayer. But . . . it's still hard. That's all.)
And a final quote (relating mostly to emotional pain, but applicable to more, I think. And I have actually felt a bit of both lately, so it seems to apply):
"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain.
But you have already borne the pain.
What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain."