Thursday, February 4, 2010

well, well

Time for a Samuel update:

First, I met with his kindergarten teacher last week (I think it was last week). She confirmed my suspicion that there isn't really a class that Samuel really "fits" in for first grade next year. So she basically told me she just doesn't know yet what placement will be best for him yet. Gee, thanks. I know that's really all she can tell me, but it is just so frustrating not being able to plan. If he goes to regular first grade in the public school (with whatever amount of resource help), then I will have kids in 2 schools (no more bus service for Samuel) and I will be driving in opposite directions back and forth at basically the same times. Hello?!?!?! Can we say "mommy is going to go insane?!?"

But, if he is going to get more help there, what can I do? If, however, they put him in a special class, then he will still get transportation services. So it would be kind of nice to know what to plan for. I could take my older kids out of the charter school and put them in public school - but then, I don't know if that would be best for them. Do I sacrifice the needs of one child to meet the needs of another without losing my own sanity?! I don't know.

And I know I will figure this out somehow. I have to, whether or not I ever actually feel confident about my decision or not. Every day ticks by, and at some point, we will just do what we feel is best and move forward with it. I know that. I just have to vent my dilemmas as I sort it all out in my brain. It helps me to put it all into words. So, there you go.

On Sunday, Samuel was asked to give the opening prayer in Primary. All the kids from age 3 and up meet together in primary and they take turns saying the prayer, reading a scripture, or giving a short talk. Samuel has not ever been asked to do anything, mostly I assume because of his speech issues. So I was glad for him to have this chance for the first time. He has started to say prayers at home (at last!) so we really hoped he would stand up there and say something intelligible and that it would be a good experience for him.

So, Zac walked him up to the podium and microphone and I stood in the back of the room to watch. Zac whispered words for him to say - but Samuel just started giggling into the microphone and shouting random loud sounds. My heart sank. I caught the eye of the Primary leader and she mouthed "it's okay" to me. But it was just hard. Most kids his age, even if they felt shy and reluctant to stand in front of a group, would recognize that it isn't appropriate to shout into the microphone when you're supposed to be praying. He just didn't seem to even be able to control his impulse to be silly with the mike. Sigh. He didn't say a single actual word. So Zac ended the prayer spoken softly by his side, and walked him back to his seat. Zac and I exchanged glances as we left the room to go back to our own classes, and I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was. I think we were both holding back tears.

I know that someday . . . someday . . . we will be holding back tears of surprise and joy when he accomplishes a goal that we had only hoped for but had not yet seen. But. We're not there yet.

And finally:
Yesterday he had another visit with the audiologist and ENT Dr. They did another hearing test and he is still showing about a 20 DB hearing loss esp in his left ear. She looked in his ear and did a tympanogram which still showed negative pressure and ear drum dysfunction (something like that). It has been this way for about a year now and she has just kept us coming back every few months to see if it has improved. She has said that we could put tubes back in (again - for the 4th time) - but she is not sure if that will improve his hearing or not. And the dysfunction could cause permanent damage if that isn't fixed - but again, she isn't sure if we should do surgery again to try to fix that.
This time, she started to say we should schedule surgery. Then she changed her mind again. And she said for us to come back in 3 mos. But if we decide in the meantime that we just want to go ahead and do tubes again anyway, we can just call and schedule that at any time without coming in for another appt.
So - she left it up to us. And I just thought - how am I supposed to make a decision like that?!? If the Dr. is confused and unsure what to do, how am I supposed to know how to decide?!? I don't want it left up to me. I don't.

So I am just confused. That's about it.
Thanks for listening . . . :)


girlysmack said...

Oh, Kristen. I wish we lived closer so we could hang out and vent over some hot coffee or cocoa. And I wish I had some magic words to say to make you feel better. All I can say is, keep writing, please. And that whatever decision you make will be the right one. And that even so, you will probably feel you made the wrong decision and beat yourself up over it, because that is what we moms do! :)

You are an amazing mom. You really are. :)

Jennifer said...

Good luck. I know you'll find the answer and do what is best for your kids even if it's not clear right now.

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