this is why

I have been rather caught up in my project of rereading all my journals lately. It has even taken the place of much of my normal book-reading, which is sort of surprising. Some of it is like watching a train wreck - I know just what is about to happen, but I can't look away. But I thought I would share this whatever-it-is that explains somewhat why I am somehow compulsed to complete this neurotic project of mine. I wrote this back in April before I started all this rereading. But it is something that has been on my mind for much of this year, for some reason. Anyway, I just felt like sharing. It may not make a lot of sense and I know I'm a little nuts. But hey, we all knew that already, right? No surprises here. :)
(And PS - is anybody but me really interested in the journal excerpts I've been posting here? Just curious.)

ok here is this:


we hold our memories
carefully
at a distance
afraid to bring them
too close
like fragile glass
we are afraid
to embrace them
too closely
for they will shatter,
we are afraid
of getting cut
on their shards
the edges
too raw
too sharp
too dangerous
sometimes we think it best
to leave the past in the past
and keep these memories
hovering
out on our borders
somewhere
just out of reach.

But I've found that if
I can bring them
closer,
and look at them
for what they are now
I can make them
real to me,
substantial
and close,
and they are not
so fragile
anymore
They will not break
and shatter
and fall
because they are no longer
made of the glass
I had used to
enclose them
If I take the past
and look at it now
see it for what it is
and not for what I remember
then my heart
can embrace it
once again
and I can put it away -
because I know
it can't
hurt me
anymore.