when push comes to shove - and other random thoughts

1. I've been feeling the need to do better with many things in my life. I've been reminded of many areas where I am floundering and flailing, or simply failing. Some of them have been nothing but gentle reminders, simple inspiration and motivation. Some have been more forcefully brought to my attention. And I am trying desperately not to let that little push to do better turn into that push that shoves me face-down on the ground, scraped and bruised and hurting. It is a very very fine line with me. I know this. And I know have to be careful not to be too hard on myself to the point where I am debilitated by what I see as my many faults and shortcomings. If I'm not careful, I can quickly become so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed by it. Sometimes I hate that I have to be so cautious. One of my life struggles, it seems, is learning to accept some of these limitations I know I have - without allowing myself to become lazy or complacent. Sometimes it's not at all clear to me which is which.

I've been thinking about the role of guilt in our lives. Not Big Guilt. But little guilts. Sometimes feeling guilty is healthy and is the reminder from our conscience that our actions are not being consistent with what we know to be right, or good, or whatever. Sometimes though, we can feel guilty for guilt that is not our own. Or we can let the weight of feeling bad become the only motivator for wanting to change, which I don't think it should be. Or we use the guilt as a way to self-flagellate in a way that is not useful, healthy or motivating. I don't know exactly. Balance, balance. The precarious dance.

Anyway. I don't really have any profound insights on this dilemma. I'm just thinking out loud.

2. The other day when I didn't allow Elisabeth to have something she wanted when she wanted it, she exclaimed to me that she wanted to go live with Grandma and have her be her mom instead of me. This isn't the first time she's told me something along these lines. She's told me before that she wants to go live at preschool, too, and that she doesn't want me to be her mom. She's the first child I've had to tell me this (so far) - and I've been unsure how to respond. Ignore it? Tell her to go right ahead? Sometimes this comes at such a point of frustration and annoyance that it's all I can do not to just growl and scream. Not words. Just noise.

Well on this day, luckily I garnered some extra patience from somewhere, who knows where, and I told her that I would miss her so much if she did this.
She asked why?
And I said because she is my little girl.
And then she started to cry and said she would miss me so much too.

And I was thankful for that moment. That small moment when the frustration (on both ends) dissipated and was replaced by more tender feelings.

3. I am trying hard not to measure my worth, or the worth of my blog, or of my posts, by the comments I am, or am not, receiving. I know that many of you are reading by email, or blog feeds, or on facebook, and to leave a comment requires extra steps. Or you just don't feel you have anything to say. Or just busy. Or whatever. There are a million and one reasons why I myself do not always comment on posts, even when I do like them a lot. And I know that begging for comments is ineffective at best, and downright sniveling (or something) at worst. I'm just letting you know that I'm thinking about it. And trying not to let it get to me. hahaha.

4. Sick kids. It feels like I've had sick kids, of one sort or another, for weeks and weeks. having sick kids at home throw off all my equilibrium. I hate that.

5. I've been making a mental list of things that have broken or malfunctioned recently:

our dishwasher
the doorbell
the blender
my laptop
the garage door opener
the tv digital converter box

. . . there might be something else I've forgotten.

The dishwasher and blender were relatively easy fixes. Well, one was more quickly fixed out of perceived necessity. The other was relatively cheap. The others . . . just feel more complicated. Or for one reason or another keep being put off. It just kind of weighs on my brain a little. Anyway.

6. There are some people close to me going through some very rough things lately. My heart is heavy thinking of them and wanting to help and allieve the burden - but knowing there is only so much, if anything at all, that I can really do. Just something else on my mind.

So anyway. Those are some of my thoughts today. This week is supposed to be rainy and cool, which I am looking forward to. I am also happy that this week is the last week of soccer season. And . . . I just love fall. And I am plowing through some really good reading. So there are happy things, as well. There are, indeed. :)

take care . . .