testing - again

I just got a phone call from Samuel's school teacher.

Every 3 yrs, kids in Special Ed have to be re-evaluated and their eligibility re-assessed.

That time has come.

I guess they have the option of foregoing the evaluations if they feel they have enough data already to continue without it. But in Samuel's case, they feel like they want to have a clearer idea of where he stands now, and what might be going on, to make new better goals for him and all of that. I agreed.

So. Now I sign the consent forms for more testing.
And in the next month or so, we'll be meeting together to discuss the results.

Ugh. Do you know how much this stuff stresses me out? Do you know?

Every time a possible change is determined, my heart is pulled in so many directions. The wanting for him to be "normal" that never goes away and the sadness in knowing that he isn't, really, that also never goes away. The fierce fighting side of me willing to do what it takes in getting the best possible help for him, the resignation in knowing I don't even know what that is, or what to fight for. Knowing how much the fight takes out of me. But knowing I have to. Afraid that they will kick him out. Afraid of results I don't agree with. Afraid of being taken by surprise with results I didn't expect.

It's like the mudslide accumulation of the years of wondering and worrying all come down on me again. Or threatens, at least, at the banks of the sandbags in my mind. I forget, sometimes, the weight of it all. Sometimes.