No, no. I don't mean the kind at the amusement parks, with the pastel horses that gently bob up and down, going around with the tinkling music-box Strauss waltzes.
No. I mean the kind at old playgrounds, where you sit while someone else runs faster and faster and faster pushing it around and around, and you're hanging on desperately, knowing that if your hands slip, you're going to fly right off, and it makes you so dizzy you think you're going to be sick.
Here we go again.
Last night I had parent-teacher conference at Samuel's school. I met with his speech therapist who said he is making great progress with his "g" and "k" sounds and is almost ready to start integrating the words into sentences, so that's good news. And his teacher says he is doing well, too. The problem is just the same problem we anticipated last year. He doesn't really fit in the class. He is just about on grade level in math and reading, which is terrific, and his teacher said she doesn't want to hold him back by going so slow on things in class. And she thought we should probably start thinking about mainstreaming him next year. And that is always the eventual goal with special ed, keeping kids in the "least restrictive environment." But then she also said that he will rarely answer any question with more than a one word answer. And I see him around other "normally developing" kids, and I know he is not "there". Being in a class of 25-30 kids would overwhelm him and cause him to shut down. I am fairly certain of it.
So. I'm not sure why exactly I have this paranoia of him being kicked out of services before he's ready (ohh, wait, maybe it's because I have had another kid kicked out of services before they were ready. yeah). It just makes me kind of dizzy with anxiety. Of course I want him to be challenged and have appropriate curriculum and do well. But I don't want him to get lost in the shuffle. Ugh.
Anyway - in the next few weeks, we will be getting the results of his latest testing and we'll be making his IEP annual update. And I guess I should try not to worry until we get through that meeting.
I'm just kind of tired of the merry-go-round, the constant round and round cycle of testing and wondering and worrying about placement, confusion and uncertainty about what is best, the balance of doubt and trust in teachers, therapists, school administrators, the "system." Sometimes it all works for you, and sometimes it just doesn't.
But I really don't have any other option, do I. I just have to keep on keeping on. I know.